Cat and Mouse

I'm writing this near to a cat.

I'm writing this *this* near to a cat.

Our upstairs neighbour has gone away for two weeks, and we have to look after it. (We didn't have to -the neighbour asked us if we would, and we said yes.)

It's a she, not an it. But I can't view her that way. She's just a furry obligation.

(The cat, not the neighbour LOL!)

God, I hope she can't read this. She'd be really offended.

(Again: the cat.)

There's not much looking after to do. We have to make sure she has water, we have to fill a complicated automatic feeding bowl that won't co-operate, and we have to empty her litter tray. That's no fun.

But we're also supposed to keep her company sometimes. She likes human interaction, apparently. I haven't seen any sign of it.

I think - and this might be a sweeping statement - that all cat people have severe emotional problems.

By cat people, I don't mean people who are half-cat, like Panthro or my cousin Lianne. I mean cat people. People who describe themselves as cat people are cat people. You can tell because they call themselves that, and because they're mentally ill.

Not all cat people have to be cat owners. Likewise, there are cat owners who aren't really cat people.

But cat people have all been brainwashed by their pets. It's quite widespread. That's why so many internet memes are cat-based.

I like animals, that's the thing. I'm not anti-animal. I enjoy spending time with them. I even enjoy spending time with cats. But I don't get the fanatical devotion to them. It's a bit like Star Wars. Lightsaber battles are fun, but I wouldn't want to groom George Lucas. Comparison complete.

Cats don't seem to offer much more than most animals, and don't have the important element of being affectionate. People always talk about how intelligent cats are. But they're not as intelligent Tottenham supporters. And you don't see hilarious photos of them on Tumblr, struggling to get out of a box.

Anyway, I tend to value affection above intelligence. Cats are snooty and aloof. The bare minimum I want from a pet is slavish devotion, just as it is for a wife.

Cat people seem to spend all of their time catering to the whims of their pets. The cat dictates the schedule of the day, the places the owner can and can't be, the types of visitors allowed in the house.

I don't really get it. If I owned a lion, I'd probably let it boss me around. But I could totally beat up a cat. And I will, if the occasion requires it.

Don't get me wrong. The ideal owner/pet relationship is a reciprocal. It's an equal partnership, like Gargantua and Pantagruel. I don't know anything about Gargantua and Pantagruel, but they are two names joined by an "and". If that's not a partnership, I don't know what is.

But cats refuse to be in equal partnerships. They want to be top dog, and don't even realise how ridiculous that is.

Cat people remind me of poor downtrodden women, who are slavishly devoted to their oafish, disdainful husbands. They believe their cat can do no wrong, they buy presents for it, they post pictures of it on Facebook. They receive nothing in return, but convince themselves that they are loved.

"Oh, but my cat's lovely," I hear you say. But you would say that! That's how brainwashing works.

I think all cats should be killed.

There. I said it.

***

Here's a quick behind-the-scenes insight into that section:

Halfway through, I wasn't sure if I believed what I was writing. So I just became more and more emphatic in an attempt to power through. It worked.

Of course your cat is lovely. I was talking about those other cats.

There are some really loud and annoying children playing outside. I was loud and annoying when I was a child, so I should be sympathetic. But I'm old now, and am genetically programmed to hate children. I don't know how it helps natural selection. Perhaps the anger of the elderly releases aphrodisiac spores into the air.

I should probably go now. The cat doesn't find my keystrokes and clicking very comforting. I'd better buy it an expensive watch and let it have a few hours of "me" time.