It's round and has had a slice cut out of it!
Classic.
I'm going to post another selection of my tweets. I've started labelling these posts as 'Tweets'. Clever.
I should use the 'labels' feature more often. They appear at the bottom of the post and allow you to search for posts on a similar topic. I can imagine some of my popular labels would be 'sleep', 'work', 'cake', 'screenplay' and 'sorry'.
Speaking of sorry, I'd like to apologise to the people I know who follow me on Twitter.
It must be annoying following me. There are some people that want a constant stream of terrible jokes, but they aren't the majority.
Most people probably use Twitter to link to interesting articles, to keep in touch with their friends, and, yes, perhaps exchange the odd joke.
But my tweets are like an avalanche. Even I get overwhelmed by them.
If you don't know me, you can just unfollow me. But my friends who also follow me might feel compelled to do so out of politeness. If this is the case, and you are one of those people, please feel free to unfollow me. You don't need to feel bad - I totally understand.
You've suffered enough by being my friend. You don't have to carry the burden online.
Of course, you're reading this. Which is burden enough.
I don't mean to be downbeat.
AHAHA!
SLICED!
Just give me a minute to regain my composure.
Oh. Haha. Oh.
Sliced...
But the fun doesn't end there! What could be more uplifting than reading some of the funny things I've written down recently?
SOME OF THESE ARE WORTHWHILE!
Twall You Can Tweet
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I've got a tendency to undersell myself. Actually, it's more like a fivedency.
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Pine nuts are some sort of joke, right?
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Robbie Savage reminds me of a cocky gunfighter who gets killed six minutes into a Western.
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If you cross crossbones with a bone cross, you get a bone asterisk. #bones
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Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? A: Supplies have been entirely consumed by macaws. Replacements on the way. Please be patient.
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I think I put too much pressure on myself. But then again, I really do need to staunch the bleeding.
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Shouldn't the rope-pulling contest be called the war o' tug? Or is that something else?
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I'm always trying to stick it to The Man. Which is why I'm rubbish at Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
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The trouble with drinking wee is it makes your asparagus taste funny.
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Do any of the modern Sherlock Holmes adaptations have him addicted to Minesweeper? If not, why not?
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Quiz Show Pitch: FENCE - Contestants try to force their faces through a wire mesh fence whilst I ask them about the Crimea.
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Cookery Show Pitch: SORBET OF PIGS - a refreshing pork-based dessert is cooked by animatronic JFK/Castro puppets. Cold war? You bet!
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Prank Show Pitch: NET LOSS - Justin Lee Collins steals a fisherman's equipment, clothes and boat, and laughs and laughs and laughs.
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You can't marry my ventriloquist's dummy. He's spoken for.
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You know what sold poorly in Atlantis? Mohair sweaters.
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I can't claim to be an authority on breast-feeding. But I'll give it a damn good go once my badge is laminated.
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Don't pressure me, Mr Spider Salesman. This is only a web browser.
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I had a dream that the Uncanny X-Men became the Canny X-Men. That was it. That was the whole dream.
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I feel like the albatross around my own neck. Contortionists must have this problem all the time.
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I've had twiter's block today. But I can't keep up my usual pace all year round. That's how Jimmy Dean died.
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I drink a hot beverage made out of the respiratory organs of fish. It's a gill tea pleasure. #ohgoodGRIEF
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There aren't enough hours in the day. This wall clock goes up to ninety-one, and it's MAKING ME LOOK RIDICULOUS.
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Social networking influences the way we live & work. People now have special 'Like' buttons on their bodies. Or, as some call them: breasts.
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The largest land mammal is the blue whale in a wheelbarrow. #whalebarrow
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The blue whale should stop moping around.
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I fear change. Especially a 2p that looks like a spider.
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You're so weathervane. I bet you think this song is North-Easterly.
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I'm going to start fleshing out my terrible jokes to distract people from the "punchlines".
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Badgers - geometrical marvels, black-and-white footsoldiers of Euclid - align the walls of their dens with a sett square.
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Tiny pirates punish people by making them Walk the Plankton. [Some pirates, tormented by their own cruelty, wept in their minuscule homes]
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You can charge triple for a screwdriver if you put a little hat on it & market it as a 'screwchauffeur'. [Shameful, exploitative capitalism]
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into Raymond Burr. The Englishman says "This feels so wrong". The others agree.
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I'd like a matching set of tectonic plates, bowls, egg cups and a gravy boat. I really want a tectonic gravy boat.
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When reading a novel, each time I see the word "just" written down, I pump my fist and shout "JUST!" out loud. Anyone else do this?
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There's a beautiful evening sky out there. It's the kind of sky that makes me feel like everything's going to be OK. [No visible KnifeHawks]
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What's the evolutionary justification for humans finding beauty in natural landscapes? Is it just to placate us whilst we shiver in caves?
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Lucy suggests it's just a by-product of our functional-aesthetic appreciation for food/suitable mates.
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So our love of sunsets/wines/The Million Pound Drop/conkers is simply us extending our faculties because we have nothing better to do.
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We escape the constraints of nature, and get a deeper appreciation of it in the process. Pretty sweet.
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I've never owned cuff-links. I'm a big proponent of cuff autonomy.
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I'm going to drink some apple juice now. So if you've poisoned my apple juice, this is your last chance to grow a conscience.
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Well, I drank it. So if you DID poison it, I'm disappointed. But I'll forgive you if you attend my funeral and deliver a really sexy eulogy.
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My mood? Imagine being hit repeatedly in the head with a frying pan, whilst watching Watership Down with a guffawing racist. In Superdrug.
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I've got sensitive teeth. I innocently called my maxillary lateral incisor a weirdo, and the enamel bitch started crying.
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The possessive apostrophe wont allow me to use anyone but her. (I think shes jealous).
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My hair is doing strange things today - rising like a loaf of demonic bread.
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My years are burning.
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I'd describe this day as character-building. (I've made a papier mache Charlie Brown, and my colleague has whittled a beautiful Obelix.)
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Ironically, the kid from Problem Child grew up to be the head of MI6.
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This tweet is a satire of itself.
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Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I'm not crazy, I'm just axey dent prone! AHAHAHAHA!" (The killer has an axe. Which makes dents in things)
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Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I'm not crazy, I'm just working on some DIEalogue! AHAHAHAHA!" (The killer is a screenwriter. A bad one.)
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Horror Movie Dialogue Pitch: "I hope.. grr.. something really.. awful happens to you. I hope you get injured." (The killer is unimaginative)
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There's a bee the size of an armadillo in the men's toilets. If he's still there the next time I go in, I'll cart him out in a wheelbarrow.
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MY EYES! MY EYES! I... No wait. Those are your eyes. Sorry.
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When they were choosing Nose teams at school, I was always picked last. :-(
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I'm going to make myself a stiff drink. Water. Stiff water. (Ice)
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It's the saddest thing. My friend, the cardiophobic bear, went to a counsellor and pawed his heart out.
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When lighting candles, it's difficult to know where the line is between romantic ambiance and satanic ritual. My advice: fewer goat heads.
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This morning I received a letter I'd sent myself last week. It just said "The oven's on". It wasn't. But it might have been at the time.
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Do they have glasses? Is it Peter? IS IT PETER? ...oh. Oh God, I'm sorry. I just had a 'Guess Who?' flashback. We lost a lot of good men...
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I've got no time for mashed potato. If you're not in a definite shape, I don't want to know. Same goes for argon. Terrible with sausages.
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I'm in the middle of an ultra-competitive game of hide and seek I started when I was 9. The other kid had a lobotomy and lives in Egypt.
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It's difficult to pat an invisible man on the head without coming across as a Nazi.
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"You can't right click to find the properties of the human heart." - Bill Gates, Guardian Angel
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If I was a snake - and I need to check this - I think I'd probably need a different kind of passport.
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If you're caught in the middle of a storm, it's good luck to drink whisky and occasionally shout "Ah-HA" at the raindrops.
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I've had to stop using Unfairy liquid, after all my plates smashed and that orphanage burned down. Disproportionate.
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TV Show Pitch: LAMPSHADE - Uriah Lampshade is a detective who plays by his own rules. Is a lampshade. Solves crimes, mainly glare and moths.
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Quiz Show Pitch: ACORNS AND PAINCORNS - War of squirrel attrition, jeering public places bets, they lose homes/families. Host = giant nut.
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I can't believe I'm not followed by more production companies. There's no-one as prolific as me. I keep churning them out. I'm like an idiot
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Sorry, ran out of characters there. Savant. I'm like an idiot savant.
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It's pretty windy out there. Winnie the Pooh is dead.
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You can't spell "soldering iron" without "soldiering on". And an "r". So stop crying, put on a plaster and finish that circuit board.
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I'm not sure about the council's recycling policy. We have a maroon wheelie bin for 'invisible helicopters'. And it's always empty.
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The only thing sadder than a beached whale is a bleached whale.
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Modern nutrition means people grow taller than they did in the past. If JP Richardson Jr was alive today, he'd only be The Medium Bopper.
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If you ever drink Um Bongo from a shot glass, you've officially BLOWN MY MIND.
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Twitter is to thoughts as the eye is to smells.
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I love that song on all the film trailers that goes "CHM ch-chm ch-chm ch-chm ch-chm CHM-CHM ch-chm ch-chm ch-chm ch-chm CHM-CHM......CHM".
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I'm going to call my dog 'Bluff'. Or am I?
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"Let's take it one day at a time" - Methodical History Teacher
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I went to a Swiss plastic surgeon, but I don't think this ski-lift is making me look any younger.
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I've been sobbing with my head in my hands, and now my hair looks great!
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Though building a fort at work isn't officially banned, it is frowned upon. But I can't see their frowns. Because this fort has no windows.
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Film Pitch: OPEN MIKE - Michael 'Mike' Rophone is an aspiring comedian. Doctors are unable to sew him up after surgery. His gigs improve.
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Film Pitch: WELL, DUH! - Mel De Gelder becomes a sarcastic welder. Obviously.
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Animal Pitch: COG - a cross between a cat and a cog.
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The longer I work here, the more I realise that marketing is essentially shrugging in epaulets.
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If you ever use an office guillotine to cut paper and don't hum La Marseillaise throughout, I don't think we can be friends.
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The most futuristic coin is probably the PLATINUM πPENCE POLYGON.
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The saddest T-shirt to see someone wearing at a funeral is one that says "I'm Without Stupid" and has an arrow pointing to the ground.
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As a child I was told to stop making faces, which is why I'll never be a complete sculptor.
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I've got a delicious and refreshing pink lump on my skin. Worried it might be watermelonoma.
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You know what would fit well in a brandy glass? A toffee apple. You can have that one.
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I've just recoiled at the sight of my initial, inadequate coil.
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If inventing Olympic sports was an Olympic sport, I'd get the bronze.
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PARENTS: Grow your own psychopath by naming your son Marlon.
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If I had to describe myself in three words, I'd say I was verbose.
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The most important job at the factory is separating the Weetabix from the Chaffabix.
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Michelle Obama is in town, and I've been spending the last twenty minutes freaking myself out by imagining my foot is a hand.
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Mutes are always tormenting themselves with what they SHOULD have said.
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My emails lack gravitas, so I'm going to start typing with a quill.
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"My dog's got no nose." "What's his favourite smell?" "Terrible!" "What? No, what's his FAVOURITE SMELL?" "I... I don't know... dog food?"
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The Mannequin-Making Championship Final has gone to a faux toe finish.
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The word "authoritative" doesn't sound very authoritative. Too many Ts and such. I think they should shorten it to "AUTIVE" (all capitals).
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I can see why Enid Blyton's 'The Crackhouse of Adventure' didn't fare as well as the other books in the series. (Too long)
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I may not have many followers, but I consider myself an underground sensation. Like being caressed by a mole.
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I'm angry and I've just eaten a samosa. Good day to you.
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Yeah, well that's it. This always takes AGES. I wonder if it's worth it. Judging by the feedback, NO. IT ISN'T.
Fun fact: for that Blyton tweet up there, I Googled the 'Adventure' series, and found this, regarding The Island of Adventure on Wikipedia:
Note: This work has been 'severely' criticised by scientists for its geological implausibility.
I like this for a few reasons. I like that a children's book has been criticised by scientists (I suppose in the old days, books were supposed to educate - not like the wizarding pornography kids read today).
I like that it has been severely criticised (this is no laughing matter).
And I like that 'severely' is in inverted commas. As though this is a relative term (which of course it is).
Those are the three things I like.
This has been Paul "Diamond Badger" Fung, and you've been listening to sounds relative to your situation, I'd imagine.
HAAAAAAAAAA.
Ha.
On your way.
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