I'm Naming My Daughter That

"Now we're cooking!" said a member of a group which previously wasn't cooking, but had just begun to cook.

And she was right.

But then, Anjellycar was always right.

That's how she sprinted to the top of the catering school, faster than a child could have, because her legs were longer. She ran the show due to her almost infallible rightness. She was Cardinal Chef. But it wasn't always like that...

***

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

***

I remember once, when I was about 10 or 11 being frustrated at the vagueness of my age. "Which is it?" I asked the local. (There was only one local, and even he had a fifteen minute commute).

"You're only as old as you feel," he said, with a twinkle in his beard.

"I feel sick," I said.

"Then that's how old you are!"

"I'm sick?"

"And a half!"

Then I was sick. His point proven, the local skipped off, chattering inanely in that exotic accent of his.

*** (END OF WELL-HONED, SELF-CONTAINED GOLDEN COMEDY SKETCH NUGGET)

I'm thinking of starting my next stand-up gig with this joke.

Hey everybody! Big News:


Obviously, this has its drawbacks in an oral medium. I could carry a placard. Or I could just shout "NNNNEEEWWWSSSS!" loudly.

I've never been good at starting gigs, so I usually go straight into my material. I don't want to have to ask the audience 'how they are doing tonight'. Because most people find it difficult to distil the complexities of their emotional state into a short noise. So they usually, reluctantly, go "Aaaaay!".

Cheering. They're trying to say they're having a good time, but there's a touch of the 'gunpoint happy act' about it.

Hmm. The Gunpoint Happy Act.

That's a good name. Maybe I can suggest a last minute change to our Edinburgh show.

Speaking of which, look:


Pretty sweet, eh? Except for my awful smile. I look like a crack-smiled pumpkin who's been cursed for having the temerity to speak.

If you're in Edinburgh from the 7th-17th, why not come along?

There are also previews in Oxford on 2nd and 3rd of August. If you want to know where, contact me via a seance/email.

Hey, self-promotion. I'm sure I've got hundreds of hidden, silent readers that are desperate for this announcement.

Of course, now I've given away my brilliant 'news' opening. Maybe I should mix it up. 'Nwes' or something like that.

Ahaha.

Ha.