Bird's-eye View

I'm feeling down, so I'll try to retreat into the world of my imagination.

I am a happy bird. I fly through the sunny sky, and the air is all warm under my feathery feathers.

As I swoop through the afternoon sky, lots of other birds sing playfully. They are all my friends.

I head towards my place of work. I work at a tattoo parlour.

My wings and feet are relatively clumsy. I find it difficult to grip the needle in my beak. Yet my natural artistry conquers all and I've never had an unsatisfied customer. Most of my customers are birds, but I also tattoo cats, mice and human adults. They are charmed by me.

My needle is magic. Did I mention that?

Whatever I tattoo becomes real. If I tattoo an anchor on a sailor's arm, it becomes heavy and solid, and she finds it difficult to drive.

I tattoo money on things sometimes, then give it to various charities. Animal charities, cancer research, SCOPE, etc.

Earlier this year, I tattooed a time machine on a leaf. I then used the (now real) time machine to go back to the late 80s, and sell my life story to a cartoon producer.

He changed some of the details. Instead of a tattoo needle, the magic came from a pencil. And my character was changed from me (a male bird) to a female human. That's how Penny Crayon came about.

I enjoy my job.

I also have a satisfying private life. I collect memorabilia. I collect amnesiac memorabilia. I have a room in my nest dedicated to various items that have some association with amnesia. Mementoes to forgetfulness. The irony is not lost on me.

Sometimes, for a change, I ride a tiny motorcycle. I wear a helmet just to be safe. It has a side-car on each side (I sometimes prefer symmetrical things). In the right side-car, I keep some magic tattoo apparatus. In the left one, I keep some ferns and magazines.

I was married for a short time to Marilyn Monroe. I had tattooed her on a baker, and she had come to life. We had some happy times, even though I had been careless when creating her, and one eye was higher than the other. I sometimes prefer symmetrical things.

We didn't really click though, so I drew her an ideal new husband with my magic needle, and we parted amicably.

I'm friends with a magpie called Richard. Sometimes we go to the fly-in cinema. Here are my top five favourite films:

- Men in Black II
- The Brave Little Toaster
- Kagemusha
- Penny Crayon (the new Michael Bay adaptation)
- Gregory's Girl

Richard has quite different tastes. His top five favourite films are:

- The Thomas Crown Affair (the McQueen one)
- Men in Black
- Deep Blue Sea
- Saw V
- Pure Luck (with Danny Glover and Martin Short)

Although we are different, we get on well.

Tonight for dinner, we're having burritoes, with dandelion and burdock to drink.

(As well as symmetry, I enjoy pluralising words that end in 'o' with an 'e' before the 's'.)