Cats and Dogs

I got caught in the rain this morning.

Well, not caught. It's not like I wasn't supposed to be there. I was in a public space. No accusations have been made, so I don't know what the fuss is about.

I didn't have a knife.

Anyway, I got wet because I don't like using an umbrella. It just doesn't seem masculine. Which is the epitome of idiocy (the umbrella thing - and masculinity as a whole).

It's a gloriously stubborn stance to take: this thing will make things easier for me, therefore I would seem to be a wimp. I can take a few raindrops - I ain't no Wicked Witch, no siree!

Idiot.

I don't refuse anaesthetic, for God's sake. Or shoes. Or food.

I don't think it really is the masculinity element, to be honest. I just don't like to be encumbered by any more objects than are absolutely necessary. I don't wear hats, I don't carry a cane.

AND I DON'T CARRY A KNIFE.

***

I got caught in the rain this morning.

Actually in the rain. I got encased in a droplet. A big droplet. A drop, if you will.

A droplet is a small drop. A triplet is a small trip. A pamphlet is a small pamph.

I got a pamph through the letterbox once and had to move house.

Anyway, there I was: where I was: trapped in a drop of water. My first thought was to drink my way out, but I didn't have a straw or any orange squash. I was stuck.

I wasn't too worried, as I knew the water would eventually evaporate. But there was no sun, and I needed to get to work.

In the end, I thought "enough is enough", and freed myself. Water is repelled by simple tautologies, as every scout knows.

***

I got caught in David Blaine this morning.

He noticed immediately, as he was was surprised to find someone else up his own arse.

Satire! That's right! That was like a proper joke! Yeah!

Take that, Blaine!

I think I may need to construct an abattoir to dispense with all these SACRED COWS.

***

I got caught in a Quiche Lorraine this morning.

It could have been avoided. At several stages, I could have just walked away:

- when entering the quiche factory
- when balancing myself precariously on the rim of the big quiche mixer
- during the quality-control procedure when a staff member shouted, repeatedly, "Is there anyone in the quiche mixture?"
- after being pulled out of the quiche mixture
- after being chastised by the quiche factory manager
- whilst sneaking back into the quiche mixture
- whilst being cooked alive

At any of those points, I might have avoided the whole thing. But that's only clear in retrospect. It's easy to look back and see what you should've or shouldn't have done.

To err is human.

***

I got caught in a blog post this morning.