Despite the fact that it reclaims the proper use of 'random' from every blonde-haired puffy-jumpered private school princess in the world (to whom a chance encounter with a baker, or a fatal car accident, can be labelled 'random'), I don't like that name.
[That was an unwieldy and unpleasant sentence. I could go back and edit it, but there isn't time. I could die in the next few minutes of sheer excitement.]
Does anybody have any ideas for naming this feature?
That's right. It's a feature. Or an item. It's content. Like what professional entertainers do.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, congratulations.
A couple of weeks ago, I was out of ideas, so decided to write something based on randomly generated Wikipedia articles. It was such a success, it generated literally zeroes of comments.
But what to call it? Random Wiki Nuggets sounds bad.
Here are a few possible new names:
- Wiki Roulette
- Randomination
- The Inspiration Generator
- Unimaginative and Dull Headscissors Last Resort
- Edgar
Or none of the above.
Anyway, on with the fun. As I said before, there's no cheating - I must write something based on the randomly generated article that comes up.
Let's see what we have.
Our first entry is:
RTÉ Libraries and Archives
I was going to write an insulting dialogue about Irish libraries and archives consisting mainly of things written on potatoes. But that would be offensive.
I'm more offended that anyone would include an acute accent in an abbreviation. It's ridiculous. I can only assume that the accent symbolises a rainbow, and the E represents a POT OF GOLD.
That's right! A leprechaun joke! Ahahahaha. I'm willing to malign a whole nation based purely on a terrible random Wikipedia article.
Interesting fact: the troubles in Northern Ireland were never based on religion, politics, or social conflict. They were merely an attempt to re-negotiate the go-to stereotype of Ireland from 'leprechauns eating potatoes' to 'terrorists'
I think it worked.
If it was a more interesting article related to Ireland, I might have included a discussion of its beautiful countryside, or the literary genius of Swift, Joyce and Wilde.
But it isn't interesting. It's an ugly abbreviation of something no-one knows about. So I'm resorting to appalling stereotypes. When faced with a challenge, I lash out like a taxi driver.
***
Not a good start. Maybe my luck will improve. Let's throw a horseshoe at a clown, and see which organs we break!
Our second entry is:
Jack Selier
I think we need the photo to help with this one.
John P. "Jack" Seiler is the Mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
He got his nickname 'Jack', partly because he emulated John F Kennedy (he was born the year Kennedy was shot), and partly because he is a superhero.
He can harness the power of the jackhammer to drill holes.
In his masked identity, he is known as Jackhammer: Vibrating Defender of the People.
(The 'P' in his name stands for 'pneumatic')
His superpower isn't that useful. Sometimes, he drills a hole in front of fleeing criminals, but it takes a while. They usually have enough warning to just walk around the hole.
Most criminals try to escape via boat. Jackhammer sometimes drills holes in their boats. But he has to be on the boat first. And he doesn't usually think that far ahead.
It's difficult being a superhero and mayor. He is obliged to keep presenting himself with the key to the city. And he already has the key to the city. Because he's the mayor.
He now has hundreds of replica keys. Which can't be very safe. If one was to fall into the wrong hands, the criminal would be able to sneak into Fort Lauderdale and steal oranges, homosexuals and Everglade fan-boats.
***
Ok, one more. Let's give one more yank to the one-armed bandit.
Oh good grief. The third entry is:
Ninth Federal Electoral District of the Federal District (IX Distrito Electoral Federal del Distrito Federal)
Zorro: Well?
El Santo: Yes, signor. We are waiting.
Penélope Cruz: Yes, what are we all doing here?
Me: Alright. I owe you an explanation. You see, there's nothing even remotely interesting in that article. So I thought I'd just throw something together with some Mexican icons.
Zorro: *sigh* Why must you constantly rely on stereotypes?
Penélope Cruz: Also, I'm Spanish, not Mexican. Did you even do the basic research?
El Santo: And no-one even knows who I am outside Mexico. You had to link to my Wikipedia article, which confuses the premise of this whole entry.
Me: Yes, I suppose so. But perhaps I can have you all voice these concerns in the sketch, thus pre-empting any criticism with a certain postmodern charm.
El Santo: No. This will be both boring and stupid. You've insulted the Mexican people by relying on three archetypes: one dead, one fictional, and one not even Mexican.
Me: I'm sorry. Hey, Penélope! Does the acute accent in your name mean you're part Irish?
Penélope Cruz: A callback isn't going to get you out of this one, you son of a bitch. Santo will hit you with a plancha, Zorro will carve a 'z' in your back, and I'll crush your balls with some castanets and pour tapas in your eyes.
How ironic that you, the most offensive purveyor of stereotypes, will be killed in such a stereotypical manner.
Me: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought you here. It was like a red rag to a bull!
[BUT THE EXPECTED ANGRY RESPONSE NEVER COMES. THEY HAVE ALL FALLEN ASLEEP FOR THEIR REGULAR SIESTA.
I STRIDE AWAY SHAMELESSLY, RIDING A DONKEY, MY SOMBRERO SHIELDING ME FROM THE AFTERNOON SUN.]
***
So, another edition of Edgar passes uncomfortably.
I don't know if it was a good idea, but I think we've all learned an important lesson.
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