Happiness is a Warm Pun

How do you like my title? It's like some meta-pun.

Sometimes, I wonder why television companies haven't already begun a bidding war for my services. I suppose I should send them my ideas, but I still think they should have heard about my innovative, cutting edge proposals by now.

I've just come up with two excellent ideas of TV shows. Both are founded on puns (which is the best bulb from which to grow an entertaining flower).

Firstly:

Antics Roadshow
Fairly self-explanatory. "Welcome to the Antics Roadshow. Look! There's Michael Aspel on a unicycle!"

And secondly:

Diamonds Are Forever
A sitcom charting the upbringing of the Diamond family. The characters would be:

Anne Diamond (formerly of Anne and Nick)
Dominik Diamond (the Gamesmaster guy)
Dustin Diamond (AKA Screech from Saved by the Bell)
and of course singer-songwriter Neil Diamond.

Each show would begin with the four people playing themselves, reminiscing about an event from their childhood growing up together. (Their wildly different ages might prove a problem, but we can use creative license.)

It would then flash back to the past, where the Diamond family lived a simple life, a bit like the Waltons. Each episode could be about how they learned a moral lesson, like "always be honest" or "don't trust the Jews". These simple parables would be an old-fashioned reminder that family is the most important thing and that, truly, Diamonds Are Forever.

Perhaps actor Lou Diamond Phillips could be a recurring guest star - a neighbour jealous about not being a true Diamond.

What do you think? I think there's money to be made.

I'd like to send it off to their agents, but I'm worried I might be ignored, like I was by Neil Mullarkey when I sent him my idea for a sitcom. Luckily it was preserved in a Facebook message to Lucy, so it can live on:

Dear Neil

My girlfriend and I were talking about you the other night, and through a variety of conversational twists and turns, we came up with an idea for a sitcom.

I think it would only work with you. You'd play yourself (or a version of yourself), and would have supplemented your income by selling your sperm to women in need of artificial insemination.

The characters would include four of the women who have had your baby (I'm thinking each one could be a terrible stereotype: communie-living hippy, uptight nazi, wacky transsexual etc), and a friend (who may or may not be work at the sperm clinic).

Another character would be the talking ghost of a rat. Not (and this confusion can be a running gag) the ghost of a talking rat (which in any case would be too unrealistic).

Occasionally one of the mother characters can talk about how good the Shrek franchise is, and you can look at the camera and roll your eyes like Oliver Hardy.

As I have said, I can't think of anyone else who would fit the role, so if you aren't interested, the idea will die.

If I see you have made a programme similar to this (especially with a talking ghost rat) I won't take legal action, but will be happy that you have embraced the idea.

If you would like me to produce a first draft, let me know.

(Although this email may have seemed sarcastic, it is, for the most part, not)

Yours,
Paul Fung
No reply. I can't believe it. But apparently he's busy doing strange comedy-related personal relationship workshops to notice me.

But I can't think of anyone else who the idea would fit. I don't know why...

Actually the Facebook thread this is saved in has many other funny ideas, which I may share with you in future entries.

But for now, I'm going to sit and stew and think about what is to be done.