Scattershot

My brain is buzzing with nothing in particular. Lying in bed, I felt like I might have some interesting inner-monologues, so I got up and am trying to monologise (I've invented a word) via computer keyboard.

It doesn't work as well as thinking, because I can't type fast enough to keep up, and am probably losing many insights as I go back to correct typos.

I'll start with the first thing I'm thinking about: I saw that American sitcom The Big Bang Theory on Channel 4 tonight. It was bad. I don't mind a show composed entirely of stereotypes, but this seemed so conspicuously WRITTEN.

They say you should show, not tell with your script. Having the main characters sit in a room, introduce themselves and their key character traits, is telling. And the jokes were so clunky! I can't believe they couldn't have edited it down, especially if it's written by a team of writers.

It might have only seemed so bad, as we just finished watching series 2 of The Wire (series 3 is being delivered shortly), which is as close to flawless as drama can get. I don't know why it's so good. Everything is just right.

***

I remember when I was a teenager and I found out that newspapers supported particular political parties. I couldn't believe it.

Surely newspapers are supposed to give facts. Wouldn't having a specific favourite completely invalidate any supposed factual content? Wouldn't it be like the Match of the Day team coming out as supporting Arsenal, and abusing their opposition?

I still don't understand it. The fact that the media could always just be lying to us, really fucks with my head. The trouble is, if you abstain from mainstream media, you have to revert to looking at idiot conspiracy theories from anarchist bloggers, who have their own biases (things that give them erections or 911 Truth Movement films or both).

But there probably is no objective truth, and it's all shades of grey, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder or something. Fuck it, it doesn't keep me awake at night.

I am awake at night, but I don't think it's because of that.

***

I love the old sixties Marvel cartoons. I watched them as a kid and didn't seem to notice the shoddy animation. The theme tunes are the best. Here's Thor!



Despite my church aversion, I like the fact this sounds a bit like a hymn. I'd probably be more interested in church if it was more focussed on Thor. The Christian God seems a bit vague and flaky compared to Thor. Thor had a massive hammer. I'd rather worship that symbol than a means of execution.

If you're going to invent a deity, you should go crazy with it. The Christian God is too non specific. I want a god who wears a particular type of hat. And if you take it off, he dies. And he has a wooden leg. And a sawn-off shotgun. And he's allergic to mustard.

My sister had an idea for a superhero called G.I. Jesus, which I think is brilliant. He should have a square jaw, stubble, and should smoke cigars, holstering them in his stigmata.

Religion could be so much more fun. They only need to try some new ideas (eg. Bouncy Pews).

***

I don't know if this is acceptable, but whilst wasting time I found this amusing MSN conversation. The person I'm conversing with is using a clever alias (ie. it's not the real Burt Reynolds), but has read this blog before. If you're out there, mysterious stranger, and would like me to take this down, just let me know. But keep in mind, there's only about two people that read this.

The following is an unedited conversation from a few years ago, typos intact, and gives a good insight into the social and political concerns of the young British citizen. Enjoy!

Burt Reynolds says:
hey, hows it going?

Diamond Badger says:
It is going fine. What'supwit you?

Burt Reynolds says:
not bad, i'm currently trying to decide what to do after uni finishes, looking at MA options.....
Burt Reynolds says:
are you going to do a creative writing ma or something?


Diamond Badger says:
Yeah! If I get of my arse and finish applying. Come to Exeter with me and Lucy! We'll be a cool gang!
Diamond Badger says:
Exeter is the New York of the South-West

Burt Reynolds says:
Yeah great! Hang out with a couple in love! That would be an excellent way of forgetting how single i am!

Diamond Badger says:
We could go to romantic restaraunts, and get the waiter to bring over an extra chair. He can roll his eyed, as we sit on a cramped table for two! You'll love it!
Diamond Badger says:
roll his eyes
Diamond Badger says:
You ca sit on the sofa as we watch RomComs!
Diamond Badger says:
I should be a salesman...

Burt Reynolds says:
or I can watch romcoms while you two have sex!
Burt Reynolds says:
It will be like 'Three's Company', but with more rape

Diamond Badger says:
I always thought that was missing from 3's Company
Diamond Badger says:
Just like it was missing from 'Different Strokes'
Diamond Badger says:
Interracial paedophilia!
Diamond Badger says:
'Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?"
Diamond Badger says:
"Your bleeding asshole, Arnold"
Diamond Badger says:
Ratings

Burt Reynolds says:
Hmmm...lets take a look at what Exeter uni has to offer...
Burt Reynolds says:
'arab and islamic studies'
Burt Reynolds says:
i could do that
Burt Reynolds says:
I look a bit like an arab


Diamond Badger says:
And you're morally bereft
Diamond Badger says:
like an Arab

Burt Reynolds says:
and i'm hung like an arab

Diamond Badger says:
All arabs should be hung

Burt Reynolds says:
haha 'Cornish Studies'
Burt Reynolds says:
thats the course for me


Diamond Badger says:
aka 'Incest Jamboree'

Burt Reynolds says:
then it's definately the course for me

Diamond Badger says:
I always argue with my friend Dave over whether Devon cream teas are better than Cornish teas (he's originally from cornwall), despite the fact I have no knowledge of the subject, and only a slight connection to Devon.

Diamond Badger says:
It usually ends in tears of blood.


Burt Reynolds says:
I always argue with my flatmate over whether Japanese green tea is better than Persian Ceylon tea
Burt Reynolds says:
It usually ends with one of us getting butt fucked
Burt Reynolds says:
but then again, thats how nearly every night ends

Diamond Badger says:
I don't consider it a good night unless it ends with me having to sit down on an inflatable seat cushion for my own comfort

Burt Reynolds says:
Yeah i know what you mean. Sometimes I just have to back my ass up onto a saucy door handle, while 'fish-hooking' myself, kerazy!

Diamond Badger says:
Sigh. I miss the old days...

Burt Reynolds says:
yeh.....me, you...a bottle of Rohypnol and five crying 12yr olds....
Burt Reynolds says:
good times

Diamond Badger says:
I'll tell ya, I've had better birthday parties
Diamond Badger says:
but not many


There you have it. I should compile all this into a book.

You can tell I'm maturing, as it now takes slightly longer for my conversations to resort to rape jokes. I'm well adjusted.

More later.