With a Twist

I always say yes when I'm offered black pepper in a restaurant. It seems like it would be mean to make them carry that massive pepper-grinder across the room for no reason. It must be heavy.

I think, deep down, there must be a fear that if I say no, they'll be really annoyed and spit in my food or something. "Don't like seasoning, eh? How about his for fucking seasoning!"

Either that, or they might squirt pepperspray into my date's eyes. "She seems to like it spicy, you ungrateful cunt!"

That probably wouldn't happen.

I'm not really very good at restaurant etiquette in general. I'm an over-thanker. I say thank you after everything the waiter does, and if they're laying out loads of dishes it can get quite repetitive.

If I had my way, all restaurants would be manned by highly efficient robots, and each table would be in separate, isolated pods. A slot would open and the food could be dispensed, without the need for any human interraction. A bit like solitary confinement in prison, but with more candles and less rectal bleeding.

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I love Facebook, but all these applications that are coming out are doing my head in. Some peoples' pages look like they're covered in wacky clipart vomit. There are more and more by the day:

Franklin has added the Penis Size application (with accompanying picture)

Suzie has added the Childhood Trauma Chart

Gregor has added the HIV Positive application. You have just been shagged by Gregor and are now HIV Positive!

I'm going to try and keep my Facebook site as uncluttered as possible. I don't want Facebook pages becoming as ugly as Myspace ones. Unless the application is 'Raise Cash for Paul Fung' or 'Most Hated Friends' I'll stay strong.

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You know what tastes terrible? Fennel.

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Oh no! I've become to negative again! Quick Paul, focus on things that are amazing:

- that bit at the end of Back to the Future II where they repeat the end of I, but the music suddenly builds back up and Marty runs into shot.
- the slogan for the Simpsons' parody of Readers Digest: 'Brevity is... wit". That is unfathomable genius.
- Her Majesty, the last song on Abbey Road. What a great way to end an epic album!
- Marks and Spencer Hoisin Duck wrap. Mmm!
- 'Dr Death' Steve Williams's backdrop driver:



- Proust using the term 'a gratuitous omlette'.
- Discovering that the police are ending their inquiry and are treating the case as suicide. Whew!

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Right, I should get on with my dissertation. Time is running out. Of course, I could just hand in this blog.

I might get a reprieve for obvious psychological warping.