I'm a vain man, so I've been going over old reviews of my stand-up. It's not just because I want to pat myself on the trumpet; this is a marketing exercise. Now, when I do future gigs, I can point to this page.
I won't link to this page. I'll point to it.
I think this is the best I can come up with.
"gruffly brilliant" - The Londonist
"cuttingly comic observations" - Oxford Theatre Review
"confident and cool, he's the type of comic you want to befriend, whilst simultaneously making you hate yourself" - Cherwell.org
I think I'll get rid of the third one. You don't want two reviews from the same source, unless they're both from the Guardian or Terry Jones. Also, they both begin with "confident" which is repetitive and inaccurate.
The last one is clearly the best, even if it might not be totally grammatically accurate.
***
I'm wearing slippers. Slippers are the future, my friends. They're warmer than socks, but not as constrictive. You can answer the door in slippers. Admittedly, you'll lose a lot of respect from the postman.
"What are you doing here?" he'll say. "And how did you open my front door? It was locked!"
"I made a key!" you'll say, in your slippers. "How about a taste of your own medicine?"
Then you'll give him his mail.
***
In an attempt to keep my momentum going, I'm not going to dwell in any one area for too long.
Here are some words that you see a lot on message boards and comment sections. They tell you a lot about the person writing them.
Dross
If someone describes something as "dross", they invariably have terrible taste.
Drivel
Ditto.
Asinine
People use this term to make themselves sound intelligent, but the only people who use it are desperately insecure about their ability to understand things.
Naff
Using the word 'naff'' is naff, and it was so even back in the early nineties.
Puerile
Nobody with even an ounce of imagination or joy has ever criticised something by saying it is "puerile". It's a term that ten-year-olds use to show their superiority to nine-year-olds.
There are probably more that I'm forgetting. This is important work.
***
FOOTBALL'S ON TONIGHT!
COME ON YOU REDS!
SOUTHAMPTON FOOTBALL CLUB!
COME ON THE GOAL KICKERS!
LET'S BE UP IN DEM DROP-BALLS, YO!
One of Southampton's (many) bright young stars is James Ward-Prowse. He's good at taking free-kicks.
His name is good for chanting. I'd particularly like to hear his name sung to Our House by Madness ("in the middle of our team" perhaps?). This tune was previously used for defender Claus Lundekvam back in the day, so it's a definite possibility.
An outside choice would be the Mighty Mouse theme song (immortalised by Andy Kaufman). It would be a bit complicated. But if he ever won us a game, he genuinely would have saved the day.
But the one I always get stuck in my head is the Simon & Garfunkel song So Long Frank Lloyd Wright.
"So long, James Ward-Prowse..."
It's not ideally suited to a football chant. Chants aren't normally so... wistful. If the Northam stand started singing that, I think the whole team would just feel a bit melancholy. It's not a good motivator.
Also, there's a flute in it. You'd need to have a section of the crowd with flutes, which could be hazards if thrown on to the pitch.
Even if the words were changed to "come on, James Ward-Prowse", I can't see it catching on anywhere beyond my flat.
***
My legs are cold. The slippers can only do so much. I'm going to have to take off some of these ice packs.
It's difficult to know when to finish a blog post. If I force myself to keep writing, I might come up with something amazing. On the other hand, it is my day off. I should be winding down. Genius is exhausting. If I come up with something amazing, I'll be feeling it tomorrow.
It's best to go now. Keep your powder dry, as the coke dealer said to the captain of The Titanic.
Though we all know how that turned out...
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