In The Right

The other day, I remembered a couple of childhood arguments I'd had with my friend Chris. I haven't spoken to Chris for a number of years, so I haven't been able to verify these. But I'm pretty sure they're correct. Traumatic events imprint themselves on the memory. If you were ever chained to a post box, I bet you'd remember what colour it was.

The arguments are impressively petty, but the main thing about them is that, at the time, I found both of them genuinely upsetting. They weren't just pointless wind-up-your-friends devil's-advocate debate-as-sport arguments. They were completely serious. In both cases, Chris was being unreasonable. (This might be libellous, so I should probably change his name.)

Edgar was being unreasonable. I'm perfectly sure of this, even though I can't remember who was on what side for the first one. I think these arguments might have contributed to my many psychological problems. If I had a therapist, she'd probably lay the blame exclusively at Chris's door. Or Edgar's door. In fact, they live together. It's his fault that I'm thirty-one and still have a panic attack whenever someone asks me for a lighter.

Argument One

I insightfully claimed that if you're both hungry and thirsty, you should eat an apple. Apples are food, but also contain enough juice to unparch even the driest of throats.

He said that was stupid. You should have both something to eat and something to drink separately. He thought that was the better solution.

Do you see how unreasonable he was?

Though, again, I'm not 100% sure which side of the argument I was on. I'm fairly sure I was pro-apple.

Argument Two

This argument came about because of a joke I made. Yes, even back then, I was churning out material. I was precocious as a boy. Precocious and covered in pips.

My joke was a companion piece to something I read in a joke book. The original joke book joke was as follows:

What goes ha-ha PLOP?
A man laughing his head off.

It's a joke. This was the marble from which my own joke was... carved? Do you carve marble?

I took the existing structure, but added a clever twist. It's a bit like the stuff I do now, but more carefully honed.

My version was:

What goes boo-hoo PLINK PLINK?
A man crying his eyes out.

Pretty excellent. It's obviously a great joke.

But bloody Edgar didn't see it that way. Not only did he not find it funny, but he said that it didn't work because eyeballs wouldn't make that sound. Eyeballs wouldn't go "PLINK".

I claimed that they would make that sound (or something similar). Especially if they were falling into water (the aforementioned tears). He argued against this with too much force, with the result that I was close to tears. But not so close that I was able to prove my point.

What does it matter, anyway?! Plink, plonk, plop, plip... The noise isn't important. It's not about content! It's about form!

Edgar. If you're reading this, I expect a written apology within the next month. If you're not reading this, I won't expect that.

I think the lesson to be learned here is that children don't have a very good sense of proportion. The most innocuous of conversations can burn with the heat of a thousand guns.

The other lesson to be learned is that I've always been really funny and knowledgeable about fruit.

I might have an apple right now.

Because I'm thirsty.

***

I was going to end there, but realised that my previous blog post also ended with a proclamation of my thirst.

I don't want my family thinking I've got dropsy. Especially with Christmas coming up.

Honestly, I'm fine.