Love and Bumper Boats

Over the past few days, I've thought of things I'd like to mention in my blog. But I haven't kept a good record of them, so some of them may have been lost forever. Such a sad loss. Even more so than the loss of a child who would grow up to be the Anti-Hitler.

The ones I have remembered so far are:

• bumper boats
• Valentine's Day
• True Grit
• Konnie Huq
• The Brits - people should be angry at things there aren't

Maybe I'll remember some more as I go along.

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We saw True Grit today. I haven't really got anything to say about it, so I'm not sure why I've put it on the list. It was good. Though I felt I shouldn't have watched the 1969 film version so recently, as I could see most of the plot points coming and was comparing the two throughout.

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Lucy was annoyed at me for saying in my last blog post:

And I don't even get to go home to Konnie Huq.

I was only trying to draw out the Charlie Brooker comparison. I don't really have any strong feelings about her. For the record: I'm glad I get to come home to Lucy, rather than Huq.

If I went home to Huq, she'd probably call the police.

On the other hand, if I married her, our double-barrelled surname would sound like a martial art: Fung-Huq

Or Huq-Fung

Or we could shorten it to Fuq.

***

Valentine's Day. I've probably missed the boat on this one. I feel weird about V-Day (as it's known), as I'm not really for or against it. I don't like fluffy pink things, enforced designated emotion zones and crass commercialisation, but I also don't like cynicism and wet-blanketism.

Lucy and I don't really celebrate it particularly, except for exchanging hilarious and moving cards.

[Lucy will be happy to be mentioned twice in this post - she thinks her lack of presence in this blog makes people think she plays no significant part in my life. If only there was some kind of romantic day I could utilise to convince her otherwise... Sadly, that's just a dream.]

Anti-V-Day people in relationships rightly claim that they love each other all year round and don't need a specific day to acknowledge their affection. And that's fine. But there are people who aren't so lucky in their relationships.

It might be because of a lack of time, or a dulling of their affection, or stupidity, or because they are androids without the capacity for emotion, or because they're jellyfish, but lots of couples don't make time for those little moments of warmth and care. So for these people it's quite nice to have a day when they feel compelled to talk to each other, think about what their partner may like, and articulate (probably crudely and mechanically) some expression of their feelings in a card.

Anti-V-Day single people think it puts too much emphasis in being in a relationship. This is also correct - it makes it seem like single people can't be living full lives.

And everyone agrees that it's basically one big marketing ploy to sell cards and roses.

But you don't have to celebrate it. It's optional. People say it's stuffed down their throats, but I tend to find things I don't like quite easy to avoid.

Besides, I think the anti-V-Day movement is by far the most powerful force in this war. This year I've seen more cynical remarks than I have heart-shaped balloons (admittedly because I've been writing said remarks and popping said balloons).

I suppose what I really think is: as crass, exploitative, Capitalist lies go, Valentine's Day is actually quite a nice one. It may generate only a small amount of genuine affection, but that's better than nothing.

So I'll continue to be sarcastic about V-Day, and disdain the pink teddy bears, but I'm not angry that it exists.

This links into what I was going to say about The Brits.

I didn't watch any of it, but was on Twitter and saw everyone abusing the show, the artists and the state of the world. You don't have to watch these things, you know. I knew I'd hate it, so I did something else.

But it was odd to see a parade of people, angry about an optional activity. [Of course that's not odd; it's pretty much the definition of the Internet]

I should stick my hand on the hob and pour boiling water into my ear and then tweet about how painful it is, and decry the state of modern kitchen appliances.

However...

I will now recognise that saying all this is missing the point.

People watch things they don't like, because they like criticising things. It's fun. I do it too. It's fun to deride the vapidity of Valentine's Day, and the awfulness of bad television. The real wet-blanketness is in getting on my high horse and criticising their negativity.

But, deep-down (and we can't admit it, because it would lessen our rage), we must be grateful that these things exist.

You can either 1) ignore bad things, or 2) revel in the badness, the complaints, the sarcasm - two wrongs make a deliciously perverse right. If you choose option 2, just try to not sound so goddamned arsey and oppressed.

Which I suppose brings me to my conclusion, which I thought was profound, but may be incoherent:

people should be angry at things there aren't
I think people spend too much of their time hating things in the world, abusing things, wishing them away. But most of these things can be avoided.

I was talking to someone (let's call her A) who was really annoyed at Stephen Fry releasing so many autobiographies. Why? It's not like she is compelled to read them. Unless she is. At gunpoint. By Stephen Fry himself. In which case: call the police.

If this isn't happening, just don't read them.

The greater crime is the lack of things. Because we have no way to access them. You can avoid The Brits or My Super Sweet Sixteen, but you can't enjoy the beauty and worth of the non-existent.

People should be less angry at the things there are, and more angry at the things there aren't.

[DISCLAIMER: This is generally about fairly trivial art and social behaviour. It's probably a good idea to be angry at torture and injustice and Richard Littlejohn, rather that being angry at the non-existence of unicorns]

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What's left?

Oh yeah: bumper boats.

I've Googled bumper boats, and I think you can still find them in several places.

My family used to go to a small amusement park near us called Paultons Park. (Which I'm happy to say is still open)


That's right, there's no apostrophe.

I remember it being amazing, so I can only assume it still is. There was a terrifying rollercoaster that went really slowly, dinosaurs(!), and a rope climbing frame that I remember as being the size of the Empire State Building.

And there were bumper boats.

They were, as you'd expect, boat versions of bumper cars. But as they had to navigate water, they had big engines that sounded like the Hells Angels in a bath. I don't even think we had to wear life jackets (unlike today's barmy Nanny State restrictions - it's political correctness gone mad, etc).

The whole thing smelled of petrol and fear. It was tremendous.

Sadly, the bumper boats seem to have gone. On the plus side, they're shortly opening a Peppa Pig World, complete with musical performances from Pepa (from Salt-N-Pepa), a hog roast, and giant, revolving spikes.*

There's no anecdote or moral to this section. I just wanted to say that bumper boats are awesome.

*Details of Peppa Pig World subject to change

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I haven't been able to think of any other things to talk about. It's probably for the best.