Sleighn

It's Christmas.

Here's a quick summary of Lucy and Paul's jolly holiday so far:

1) We both started feeling ill on the evening of Dec 20th
2) Had to decide whether or not to get our train to Devon to stay with my family the following morning
3) Decided to get the train
4) Regretted number 3
5) Struggled on a busy train, and eventually made it to our destination
6) Spent an ill evening being generally pathetic, unentertaining and uncomfortable
7) Spent a hellish night of illness and leaking roof
8) Asked if we could go home the following day
9) Forced my poor mother to spend seven hours of her day driving us back to Oxford (which she did very graciously and cheerfully)
10) Continued to feel ill
11) Ate some soup
12) Began this list

Ho.

Ho.

Ho.

Well, the weather outside is frightful...

We're not too bad, really. It's much better to have a bit more room and to be in familiar surroundings. I hope we're not making too big a deal of this. But it hasn't been the most pleasant of Christmases.

I should point out that Lucy has dealt with it much better than me. She's been strong and brave. I've totally caved in. I'm sure I have some strengths that counterbalance this weakness, but none spring to mind. I'm quite good at singing songs about sweet 'n' sour chicken balls, I suppose... That makes up for it.

We struggled to the supermarket yesterday to stock our empty cupboards. We bought plenty of supplies which we one day hope to be able to eat.

No point in dwelling on this. I just thought it should be recorded for prosperity, so that 2013 Paul can look back on this and be grateful for any remaining functional limbs.

***

Everybody's talking about Christmas at the moment. It's all over the newspapers and the social networks. You can't swing a dead cat without someone sewing tinsel into its tail and offering you a Ferrero Rocher.

It's getting a bit much. You can only read so many people's hilarious snowman jokes before you're compelled to desecrate the grave of Raymond Briggs. (His being alive is another sprout in that particular stuffing ball).

So to mix things up, here are eight hilarious jokes about other holidays. These can go in your Easter crackers for next year, or even your Ash Wednesday Humour Log.

***

4th of July/Bonfire Night/Bastille Day:

Q: What did one firework say to the other firework?
A: "I've hidden my fuse! They'll never find it! Shhhhhh!"


Q: What do you call a firework with a French accent?
A: Marie the Firework.

--

Easter:

Two eggs walk into a prosthetic leg rental outlet.
"Same again next weekend?" asks the proprietor, grinning.
"You bet!" says the eggs.
They roll out, giggling.


Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny had a mental breakdown?
A: He was HOPPING MAD and sadly took his own life!

--

St Rhinoceros's Day:

Q: What do you call a man with a horn on his head, and kindness in his heart?
A: St Rhinoceros.

--

Thanksgiving:

Q: What kind of PIE does a bicycle PUMP serve to his family (or KIN) at Thanksgiving?
A: Bicycle pumps don't eat pies.

--

Summer Solstice:

Q: What do druids have for afternoon tea at the summer solstice?
A: Scone Henge.

or (if you pronounce "scone" the other - correct - way):

Q: What do druids have for afternoon tea at the summer solstice?
A: Some scones at Stone Henge, or a big handful of earth or something. Stupid druids...

That counts as the same joke. So you're owed one more.

--

Pentecost:

Q: How much does pente cost?
A: Don't be flippant.

***

That took much longer than you might imagine.

I'd better get back to the merriment. I've been wearing my paper hat since last year.

Ho.