Flag-Bearer

I'm going to do my traditional - and very original - review of the year tomorrow. I realise that's putting a lot of pressure on myself. What if I'm busy? What if I get struck by car-lightning? I might have to leave my review of 2012 until 2013.

But is that really so bad? So many end-of-year reviews totally fail to mention the events of the latter days of December. If I do mine in January, I'll have the whole picture, the whole tamale, the whole cottage cheese. I'm a completist, even if I'm not a completer.

What am I going to write about today, then? My propensity for using too many rhetorical questions? I've done five already.

No. No, no, no. Instead, I'm going to compile some tweets. I used to do it every couple of weeks. I haven't done it since early September.

But don't think you'll have to wade through fifty-five pages of glib. I don't tweet very much nowadays, so there might be hardly anything. I really can't remember that far back. So let's take this journey together. We may be sailing into the unknown, but at least we're together.

That's right! It's another edition of:

Odd Remark Mystery Cruise

***

Let's all start referring to bran flakes as "Branagh flakes". No, you first.

***

If you can think of a rhyme for this tweet, I'll buy you a pint.

***

POEM: I hurt my wrist / shaking my fist / at my other wrist

***

I'm talented.

***

Q: What's strange and green, and at the bottom of my water bottle? A: I'm on my way to hospital.

***

If you walk home carrying a length of rope, people become concerned. So I'll be carrying a WIDTH of rope. #nonethewiser

***

"Disproportionate" is one of the only words in the English language 

***

[Something about jazz apples and "pip improv"]

***

I was terrified by the cuckoo clock in my great aunt's house until I finally plucked up the courage to pretend I wasn't.

***

Tapping your watch is a good way to demonstrate your index finger.

***

I just took exception. Without exception, people are livid.

***

I just shook my head and said "Thursdays, eh?" to prove a point about day knowledge. 

***

I can't stop singing that Scottish Dr Doom folk song I made up. It's offensive to both Scots and Latverians, but sure is catchy.

***

Under NO circumstances should anyone EVER use the word "hypocrisy" in a tweet. 

***

I was studying for a PhD in amusing bells, but my fun ding funding was cut. #academia #tweets

***

It's difficult to perform mouth-to-mouth on a paper bag without people thinking you're hyperventilating. 

***

But I do it anyway. A life is at stake. BAGS HAVE FAMILIES.

***

"I need that like I need another HEAD IN MY HANDS!" #quips #offthecuff #zingers #snappy #comebacks #boom #hilarious

***

Just realised my flies were open all the way into work. Now I feel like a fool for telling so many people that they weren't.

***

They say twins have an almost telepathic bond, but I can't even remember where I put his keys.

***

If you bury a sesame seed in the garden, a hamburger tree will grow bored.

***

Film dialogue I'm working on: "I'm British. I'm really, really British. My home town has a pie named after it. I'm not playing games here." 

***

No films are allowed to contain a character called "Stéphane" because of an old Hollywood superstition.

***

A man plunged to his death yesterday, leading police to issue a safety warning on that particular model of cafetière.

***

I've become embroiled in an eyeb row. 

***

I just shouted "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! ARE MY VEINS NOT SUCKED DRY?!", but it turned out they were talking to the other Paul.

***

I refuse to use the term "scissors", no matter what the PC brigade says. They're Siamese knives and they always have been.

***

When someone says "it's a long story", I've usually lost interest by the time they get to the apostrophe.

***

I'd like to dedicate this tweet to the brave men and women who died during its construction.

***

I want to drill a hole in my head, but I can't get past my "defence hairs".

***

I've spent most of today hoping that I wouldn't have to tell you this. 

***

"You scrotum, you bought 'em!" #thingstosay

***

Whenever I need to make a decision, I can never decide whether to say "decisions..." or "decisions, decisions...". #decisions

***

Decisions, decisions. Excuses, excuses. There, there. New York, New York. It's fun to say things twice. Or once each, if you're twins. 

***

I've never said "I'll be there in fifteen minutes". I'm always either closer or further away than that. 

***

Weird to think that there were children conceived during the velociraptor scene in Jurassic Park, who are now old enough to vote. 

***

I never use the expression "Get me [BLANK] on the phone!" because I hate him. 

***

Good work, everyone. We've all been trying to perfect that meta "my dog's got no nose" joke variant. I've finally made the breakthrough. 

***

I couldn't have done it without all your hard work. Those tweet hours spent exploring nose synonyms and surreal detours have borne fruit. 

***

They said we were wasting our time! "Redundant", they said! "Beating a dead horse/dog nose", they said! Well, we've proved them wrong.  

***

It was worth it. I'm sure you'll agree. Again, this isn't about me. It's about YOU. You were right to keep going. Here is the culmination.

***

"My dog's got a really energetic nose." "How does he smell?" "Terajoule."  

***

*sniff* You work for so long at something that... when it arrives... you don't know what to say. I don't regret a second of it. 

***

We can all stop working on this now. Maybe shift to... a satire of that "what's black and white and red all over" joke? Mileage there. 

***

Things keep breaking. It's difficult not to take it as a sign that I'm onto something. 

***

It's crass to laugh at your own insistence. 

***

You're either part of the solution or you're part of the problem. Or, if the problem is under-manned problems, you're part of both.  

***

It's our flat inspection today, so I spent all morning hiding cats and cigar butts. 

***

I also censored some of my murals. 

***

Every time you say "seeing is believing", a blind fairy drops down dead.  

***

I can't believe the name "Grisham" hasn't died out. No-one wants a surname that sounds like a resentful dog. 

***

Georgie Porgie's orgies ended not with a gangbang but a gangwhimper.  

***

In the next Batman reboot, I'd like him to be a terrible driver. 

***

I just taught my dog to say "substance abuse". 

***

Nice little US cake flags for the office Hurricane Sandy bake sale! Though spelling out "FUCK HAITI" in Rice Krispie squares was a bit harsh.

***

I'm forming a band called The Headlines. We'll be easy to market. Every time someone says "Think of the headlines!", people will. Free PR.  

***

Substituting two 'n's for the letter 'm' is nny new Twitter ginnnnick. I think it will earn nne lots of new followers. 

***

I just had a phone call so awkward that it jolted me into the menopause. 

***

I refuse to see any film that doesn't include the line: "Hey! What's with the get-up?" 

***

Are we safe? I think we're safe. It was a bumpy ride, and someone accidentally stole and wore all of our provisions. But I can see land.

There were some pretty good things in there! I even included a couple of jokes this time. I may be getting less prolific, but I'm not getting any less Mexican. I've abandoned quality and quantity. From now on, I will fly the holy flag of quastity.

Maybe the coast guard will see it billowing and send a rescue boat.