All Thumbs

We went to see Up last night.

Dull, pretentious, workmanlike film, full of unmemorable characters, implausible set-pieces and disgusting faux-emotion. Rubbish.

Oh wait. I think I mistyped. It was actually completely awesome.

I must have been using my Pointless Controversy Fingers. They're always getting me into trouble. I should wear my Rationality Mittens more often.

So, two thumbs up for Up.

But two thumbs down for Down (which is a horror film about a killer lift starring Naomi Watts - seriously)

The good thing about the thumb system is that it's compatible with mittens. If it was the finger system, I'd be fucked.

I wonder if there's ever been an aspiring film critic who has faced obstacles because she lacks thumbs. Two stumps up is pretty ambiguous as film-ratings go.

That's probably why the 5-star rating system became the standard: to accommodate the thumbless.

I might write a screenplay about that. It can be the story of one woman's quest to succeed in spite of her missing thumbs (set against the backdrop of some kind of momentous world event). I reckon Winslet could play thumbless.

***

COMFORTABLY THUMB

BY

PAUL FUNG

FADE IN:

Rain drips into a scummy puddle, rippling the reflection of a flickering streetlight.

The surface is shattered by the hurried footstep of a girl.

The footstep is one of many. She is running through the darkened streets. She slips, stumbles, clips boxes and garbage cans, but keeps on running, her breathing heavy.

She rounds a corner, and realises she is trapped. Panicking, she searches for a way out. The wall of the dead-end is slippery. The bottom rung of a fire-escape ladder is inches away from her desperate grasp.

A mass of shadows round the corner, followed closely by their occupants: a spitting, snarling mob.

They have pitchforks. One person just has a normal-sized fork, but is playing it cool. Another has a spoon.

Their faces are twisted in rage - the streetlight shines off the MOB LEADER's knife. 

MOB LEADER

Nowhere to run, freak!

SPOON WIELDER

Oh boy. I'm gonna enjoy this!

MOB LEADER

We don't like people like you.

Especially YOU. You are the person

who is most like you. In fact

you're identical.

A primal scream erupts from the mob at this slightly confusing assertion.

The girl backs up against the wall.

MOB LEADER (CONT'D)
Put your hands up, freak.

The girl's eyes burn brightly. Her face becomes strong; defiant. She raises her arms.

Illuminated by the torchlight (oh yeah, there are torches), we see her hands. 

They are thumbless. 

This is not just any child. This is ANGELIQUE DEXTEREAUX.

MOB LEADER

You're disgusting. You're not

human, bitch! Which means inhuman

punishment is entirely appropriate.

The other guy drops his spoon.

ANGELIQUE

I couldn't agree more.

She rotates her hands to display her thoroughly intact middle fingers. 

Then, with the speed of Billy the Kid, pulls a gun out of her boot with her foot.

Her leg outstretched, she takes the safety off and cocks it with her toes. 

The mob freezes in shock. Forks fall to the floor.

MOB LEADER

I... I...

ANGELIQUE

Now what was that about

inhuman punishment?

MOB LEADER

I didn't mean...

ANGELIQUE

The way I see it, one of us is

walking out of here with her

head held high. The other is

getting a lead pedicure.

(BEAT)

A ledicure.

SPOON WIELDER

But, surely that would be

being shot IN the foot.

Not being shot BY a foot?

ANGELIQUE pulls ANOTHER gun out of her OTHER boot with her OTHER foot, and aims it at the Spoon guy.

SPOON WIELDER (CONT'D)

And, I mean, maybe I'm being

stupid... but surely, even without

thumbs, it would be easier to

use a gun with your hands?

She spits out her toothpick (she had a toothpick).

SPOON WIELDER (CONT'D)

And isn't this whole scene

incredibly similar to the other

screenplay extract written on this

blog? It's a bit repetitive. Maybe

a sign of creative bankruptcy?

MOB LEADER

Well? Are you gonna do it

or not, you thumbless whore?!

ANGELIQUE smiles.

ANGELIQUE

I may have both my feet full,

but your life is in my hands.

You think I'm a freak? You think

I have no place in this world?

Well, I've been fighting scum

like you all my life. 

MOB LEADER

If you do this, my friends'll

find ya! You can kiss your

life goodbye!

ANGELIQUE

Maybe so.

She spits out another toothpick.

ANGELIQUE (CONT'D)

But you can kiss my thumbless ass!

A flurry of gunfire and screaming. Then silence. Smoke seeps from the scattered corpses.

The hand of the dead MOB LEADER flops pathetically into a gutter.

ANGELIQUE strolls over, still holding guns in her feet. She picks up the 9mm in her right foot, and points it at the MOB LEADER's thumb. She smiles.

ANGELIQUE

Oh well. Easy thumb, easy go.
 

Gunshot.

FADE TO BLACK

***

That wasn't quite what I expected. I was hoping for Forrest Gump meets The Diving-Bell and the Butterfly. What I got was a straight-to-DVD action movie starring Mira Sorvino.

I suppose it means I've found my milieu. Which is comforting, but depressing at the same time.

I should probably stop writing about thumbs.