Wah wah wah

I haven't been posting very frequently lately, and I'm trying to work out why.

I feel tired. But I always feel tired - especially on a Tuesday morning - so I don't think that's the answer. I read some of my older entries and I seem to be a bit more serious about things. I wrote long essays on evolution and gender politics. I don't seem to be getting that worked up about things anymore. Or maybe I do get worked up, but my confidence wavers as I write and I start to worry that I'm being pretentious or preachy.

I'm also a bit paranoid about repeating myself. It's easy to write a Wacky List!™ or a surreal dialogue, but I want to do something new. So I suppose that's what this is: a whiny confessional.

Of course, it's by no means my first one of them.

Maybe it's just a summer lull. It's difficult to find anything to write about when it's all sunny outside. Writing something on a computer seems so artificial - the antithesis of natural creativity. I should probably buy a fountain pen. Or some clay. But sculpting at my desk would probably be a bit conspicuous. As it is, the good weather is evaporating any impetus I might have to review the film Synecdoche, New York (it was quite good), or recount my latest trip to the Co-Op to buy milk (6 pints).

I'm feeling a bit impatient with everything at the moment. It's difficult to fight off a tidal wave of apathy, especially when you can't be bothered to build a boat. It would be useful to have a holiday, but I had one quite recently. It seemed to do the trick at the time, but the positive effects were temporary.

Once again, I find myself hatching schemes, and plotting career changes. And once again, I'm reasonably sure that I'm not going to do anything about it.

I want to send a demo CD to a radio station. I briefly hosted a student radio show a couple of years ago (I'm sure I must have mentioned it before). It seems like the ideal job: short hours, room for creativity, and both BBC Radio Oxford and Jack FM are really close to my house! It would be great! But I can never seem to get around to putting anything together. I'd probably have to listen to the radio stations to see what they're like. And that sounds unpleasant.

I used to write these kinds of adolescent moaning posts quite a lot when I started this blog. In a way, it's refreshing to be back! And I'm doing much better now than I was then. I have some irons in the fire, at least. Even if the fire is actually one of those joke birthday candles, and the iron is actually plastic. Yes, that metaphor makes lots of sense.

I'll have some coffee soon, which will probably perk me up. It won't make be any happier, or more awake, but it will make my tiredness a bit more intense. Like trying to improve a bad TV signal by turning up the contrast.

I don't actually feel unhappy or depressed. I feel fine. I'm just itching for something a little bit better - where I get to sleep later and have more time for incubating my schemes. Even though when they hatch, they'll probably be shrill and needy, and I'll end up getting less sleep than ever.