If man is five...

Hey, I haven't done this in a while! I'm up (relatively) late, as I can't sleep.

I think part of the problem is I have a certain bit of a Pixies song in my head. It's the middle eight of Monkey Gone to Heaven. I don't really know what a middle eight is, but I read about it in this article. The writer thinks this is the best middle eight. He's right, it's pretty great. I never noticed how good it was before I read about it.

You can hear it at 1:50 on the below video.



And if man is five, and if man is five, if man is five, if man is five, then the devil is six, if the devil is six, if the devil is six, if the devil is six. If the devil is six, then GOD IS SEVEN. GOD IS SEVEN. GOD IS SEVEN.

And ever since, I've had that bit in my head. It's been two days. I hope it stops soon, or it might drive me insane.

Frank Black looks funny in that video - like a Philip Seymour Hoffman character.

(and if man is five, if man is five,)

Anyway, I can't sleep. It's on a loop in my head. So it's better to be awake and distracted, rather than in bed in the dark.

I wouldn't do this any earlier in the week. I need my shut-eye. Monday or Tuesday nights can't be late ones. Today is Wednesday, and it's not so bad. Only two days to go. Thursday night you can stay up as late as you want, because Friday gives you an energy boost. They should market an energy drink called 'Friday'.

(then the devil is six, if the devil is six, if the devil is six,)

I could be mugged on a Thursday and have both my legs broken, get smashed in the face with an old-fashioned telephone, and have my library card revoked, and I'd still have a spring in my step on Friday. Good old Fridays.

That Friday feeling.

You know that Crunchie advert? This one:



That's a stupid advert.

Don't get me wrong, the visuals are pretty good. A chocolate rollercoaster - that's fine.

The song is also fine, albeit a bit over the top. I fucking love Crunchies, but even I don't get so excited that I just can't hide it. They're obviously trying to suggest the same feeling as getting an erection in class, just before being asked to write something on the whiteboard. You can't hide that. You're excited. But I never got erections over a Crunchie. (And anyone who says they caught me masturbating over a Double Decker is a filthy liar)

The problem with the advert is the slogan 'Have you got that Friday feeling?'

What does that have to do with the chocolate bar? Are Crunchies only sold on Fridays? Does the mixture of honeycomb and milk chocolate produce similar reactions to a particular day of the week?

It makes no sense. The Friday feeling and the chocolate bar are entirely distinct. That's rubbish marketing. You can't just imply a relationship between any good thing and your product. It would give license to idiocy:

Orgasms are Amazing - Alliance and Leicester!

Remember VE Day? Buy Petit Filous!

(then GOD IS SEVEN. GOD IS SEVEN. GOD IS SEVEN)

It's now midnight. I should go back to bed. I know it's not that late, but I think I need more sleep than the average bear. And they hibernate.

I also like pic-a-nic baskets, but that's beside the point.

(and if man is five, if man is five,)

Throughout this post, I've been wondering if you spell the days of the week with capital letters. Is it Thursday or thursday? I honestly don't know. And I don't really know how to check. I'm pretty sure months have capitals. And I always spell the year with a capital 2.

(then the devil is six, if the devil is six, if the devil is six,)

I found a wasp on my keyboard before I started this. I think that might be good luck. I tried to shake him out of the window, but it was raining and he was pernicious. I was worried I might drop the laptop out of the window. I don't know if my warranty covers acts of wasp.

In the end, I used the old glass 'n' postcard technique. I can never kill an insect. I feel guilty about it. Also, who needs a dead wasp all mashed into the space bar?

(then GOD IS SEVEN. GOD IS SEVEN. GOD IS SEVEN)
Yes, ok. I'm procrastinating. I'll go to bed. I hope that the song leaves my head. I think Hell would be an eternal middle eight. You'd be constantly brought to the brink of the chorus, but would be pulled back to begin the climb once more - never to reach the summit. It would probably be something worse than a Pixies song though. Maybe the middle eight of a Westlife song.

Little known fact: the middle eights of all Westlife songs have explicit Satanic messages in them, but nobody notices because they've always either turned the song off by then or shot themselves in the face four times.

(GOD IS SEVEN. GOD IS SEVEN.

THIS MONKEY'S GONE TO HEAVEN!)
And this bear's gone to bed.