SuperCrazyRocketshipFunTime!

Here's my attempt at a dirty limerick:

There once was a girl named Regina
Who was born with a liquorice vagina
Coping well with the stress
She became a success
And didn't let her condition define her

It's a feminist parable. I'm like Germaine Greer in lots of ways...

***

I tried to write an entry yesterday, but I was bored.

Utterly, profoundly bored. I was bored on a fundamental level. It was a deep, physical boredom that penetrated my very being. Even my organs were bored, doing the same old job. My heart wanted to breathe. My lungs wanted to hear. My kidneys wanted to yodel - so bored was I.

It wasn't a trivial boredom. It was a heavy, depressing shroud. I could easily imagine someone committing suicide because of boredom. It would have to be something quick. None of this tedious sitting in a garage full of fumes. Slit wrists? Forget about it. I'd lose patience halfway through and turn on the telly. Hanging? Boring.

Of course death would be the ultimate in boredom. Imagine killing youself out of boredom, and then realising that you were still conscious after death, but stuck in your body. Same old coffin, same old view. Now that's boring.

So, yesterday, I was bored. Did I mention that?

I was bored on a quantum level. Even the minute fundamental particles, particles that behave in crazy unpredictable ways, were chugging along in a uniform line. They were bored.

You wouldn't think that I'd have such a short attention span, given that I'm pretty laid-back and let's face it: lazy. But I get bored so quickly. It's not a good quality. Also, it seems to be getting worse as I get older.

It reminds me of that Armando Iannucci sketch where someone is literally dying of boredom. Brilliant, it's on youtube!



So the entry I was going to write yesterday was about my annoyance at having a cold. The reason is: it makes me look stupid. With my nose blocked up, I have to walk around with my mouth open like a special-needs fish. People who breathe through their mouths are supposedly stupid. 'Mouth-breather' is an insult.

I don't know why. Why is one breathing channel more sophisticated and intellectual than the other? I suppose the nose looks more streamlined and futuristic than the mouth.

Don't get me wrong - it's no eye. The eye is by far the most advanced bit of face aparatus. But the nose is pretty good. The mouth is just a hole.

I got bored writing that yesterday. Can you see why?

So this whole entry is about boredom. It makes me think of when people say: "the only people who get bored are boring people".

Am I bored or am I boring? The answer is clearly 'both'.

That's a stupid expression anyway. That's like saying "the only people who get raped are rapists" or "the only people who get pissed off are urinating".

Yes, those are exactly the same. Directly comparable.

***

I've decided to open up a gym called Futility (in truth, that seems like hard work, but I might sell off the name).

That way, their slogan could be 'Exercise in Futility!'.

Lucy has suggested that all the exercises are pointless, like in the underworld. There could be the Sisyphus machine where you push a boulder up a hill over and over.

I'm going to make one million pounds.

***

I'll bid you good day with one of my many excellent TV ideas that I've honed in emails to Lucy:

I'm going to write a TV programme called 'Don't Forget Smelly!'.

My first idea was a kids' cartoon about a gang of friends who always go on adventures. But as they're setting out, their parents say 'Don't Forget Smelly!'. And they begrudgingly take him along. Then it turns out that Smelly always saves the day with a piece of quick thinking or bravery.

My second idea is a kind of anti-war polemic. An aging world leader faces difficult decisions/pressure from oil compaines and corporations to go to war. Each episodes has a flashback to Vietnam, where he discusses the meaning of life with his army friend Smelly. These morals remind him to keep true to his beliefs and pursue a course of peace. 'Don't Forget Smelly', he'll say to himself, looking at a sepia photo of them both. "I never will".

The flashbacks will form a continuing narrative, where we're led to believe Smelly was eventually killed. The world leader will remember scenes with sad music, and say things like: 'this is for you, buddy'. But in the end, it's revealed that Smelly didn't die at all. He just turns up in the Oval office at the end of the series, and they go bowling together.

I should write TV.