Home Secretary Material

In addition to being able to see fights for free, travelling by bus lets you feel superior in other ways. The main one is that public transport is more environmentally friendly. So I can afford to look down my nose at people in cars, tutting at the fact that they're pumping a proportionally higher amount of fumes into the world than me. I can also feel smug about owning a car; I'm noble like Rob Newman in choosing to walk everywhere (and it's certainly not the case that I don't drive because I'm poor and inept, oh no).

I don't have a bike, so I can criticise cyclists too. It's the best of both worlds! Except that it's very, very cold today, and self-satisfaction can only heat me up so much on my long walk to work.

Anyway, drivers are cunts.

I don't need to support that with evidence, you know it's true.

I hate it when they park in bus stops, blocking the way of the bus. It's not like it's unmarked or ambiguous. There's fucking big lettering on the road saying 'BUS STOP'. There's little room for misinterpretation there. But drivers are cunts. I honestly believe that if you park in a bus stop, the bus driver should be legally allowed to plow straight through your vehicle, destroying both it and any children/pets inside. It's only fair.

I'm a big proponent of the idea that the punishment should fit the crime. This is a way to solve our prison crisis. In my system, the only people in jail with be those who have illegally imprisioned others.

More creative options are available. As well as the bus rule, Lucy has suggested that if you park in an ambulance zone, not only can you be killed, but your organs should be up for grabs. I think hospitals should have snipers on their roofs, and if anyone infringes the rules, they get picked off and have their innards harvested. You'd have to be accurate with the shot, so as not to rupture any useful equipment. Shoot for the chin, perhaps. No-one wants a chin transplant.

On a similar vein, if you park in a disabled parking space, any inconvenienced driver is able to disble the illegal parker to the same extent. If a paraplegic person can't get to their space because of some able-bodied nonce, they can cripple them. Obviously, this gets a bit more difficult with mental conditions like Down's Syndrome, but I'm sure we can work out some compromise (probably involving a hammer).

Finally, if you spit chewing-gum on the ground, your family is killed and you get repeatedly raped with a jagged bit of metal.

I hate chewing-gum.