Apposite Appetite

Here's an idea for a horror film.

A man at a restaurant gets turned into stale bread. He stands up and brushes the crumbs off his front. But because he is bread, the crumbs just keep coming until he's brushed himself off to death.

It could be a fable. Maybe he's rude to the waiter, and this is his punishment.

The whole restaurant can be a moralistic trap.

Another customer can be turned into crème fraîche (because she kicked a homeless person's dog's hat or something). She wipes some cream from the corner of her mouth with a napkin. But because she is crème fraîche, she ends up wiping her entire face off. She'd probably need more than one napkin, unless they were unusually absorbent.

Other possibilities:

• man (burglar) turned to gristle, uses toothpick to pick himself out of himself
• woman (gun smuggler) turned into loose change, leaves herself as a tip
• couple (sperm bank fraudsters) turned to laminated menus, suffocate

Admittedly, it would be better if the indiscretions of the victims had some relation to their punishment. It would be neater that way. But I've never claimed to be the perfect writer.

I bought an unnecessary sandwich today. I got a baguette (which I have eaten), and another, auxiliary sandwich. I got it because it has pastrami and Emmental inside, and I've always wanted to be Jewish. I don't have the fortitude for religious piety or circumcision, so I'm all about the sandwiches.

But, as it turns out, I don't even have the fortitude for the sandwich. Not today.

I bought it when I was hungry, under the assumption that I would always be so. But one baguette later, and I'm starting to question my lack of foresight. All foreskin, no foresight: that's me.

Further investigation (on jewishrecipes.org) has yet to shed light on a unique Jewish/Emmental connection, whereas the Jewish origin of pastrami is more clearly outlined. I might just read about Jewish cuisine until I'm hungry again.

No, but seriously, I'm fine.

Being close to tears is being close to nature. We were born in the sea, so when we cry, it's like going back home!

Sobbing is the real DeLorean!

***



I'm willing to bet that they are not.

1. Most forms of transport are non-smoking these days
2. In zero-gravity, a pipe will not retain its contents (it has - in effect - an "open door")
3. Fire should be kept to a minimum in space
4. Astronauts need to have strong lungs in case they forget their helmets
5. NASA (and other space programs) are intent on shaking off their "fuddy-duddy" image, and a pipe would send the wrong message
6. Pipes are mainly used by the elderly and by hipsters, neither of which are permitted to orbit the Earth

***

I have spent my afternoon well. By using humour and internet research, I have gone from a period of low mood to a period of not thinking about things so much.

We are capable of change. Remember that.