Correct Assessments of Others

The following are words or phrases that, if read on a message board or a below-the-line comment section, indicate that the person using them is a tool:

ASININE

You see this one a lot. It's mainly used to dismiss the views of people you don't like. It's one of those words that's only used by people who think they're clever, but is never used by anyone actually clever. Patronising and meaningless.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Don't use this word. Even when discussing cinematography. I don't care how "useful" it is, or how "appropriate" it is to the "thing that it refers to". Just don't. If someone compliments a film's cinematography in an online comment, they are awful. By all means, say that it looked good, or even that it was well shot. Synonyms are fine and justified. But don't compliment a film's "fantastic cinematography". It's like someone complimenting a novel for its "imagery". Express yourself differently.

SIMPLES!

People use this to punctuate their point. They really do. In doing so, they set a Felix Baumgartner-style record for plummeting in my estimation. Do not invoke the wisdom of a what is literally a corporate puppet. I don't care how cute his fucking nephew is.

MEH...

This is an obvious one, but it bares restating. If you don't care about something, stop typing. Things you do care about require your attention. Like the fire I just started.

COCONUT LESSON, SOMEBODY?

So irritating. Whatever happened to "not really"?

THIS.

You know when someone writes "This." under a quote to show they agree with it? That.

NOT REALLY

I can't stand people with no backbone. I end up having to strap them to some kind of wooden board, and those straps ain't cheap.

POH! PIH! PNU!

Funny at first, but I think we're all getting a bit sick of it now.

CELLIST

I know it's the "correct" word, but anyone who uses it always comes across as really pretentious. If you have to describe someone who plays the cello, refer to them as a "floor violinist". Then we all know what you mean.

[BLANK], MUCH?

Those brackets are only ever used by douchebags.

NULABOUR/THE GRAUNIAD/TONY B-LIAR

"Ahahahahahahahaha! You're hilarious!" - Someone from the year 2000. On mushrooms.

HYDROBAMA

Crude.

YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF STEAM, PAUL

This is almost never true.

***

Good old life!

If it's not one thing, it is that thing (plus a load of others).