Guffaw Morsels

Let's get tweety!

I haven't done one of these compilations for a while. I haven't been tweeting much, so for all I know, this will be a fruitless quest.

Like The Lord of the Rings without Sam.

Get it? I'm saying Sam is a fruit! That's slang for a homosexual! I'm implying he was gay! Homophobia is hilarious, right?

Comedy never sleeps.

I'm not sure if there will be enough tweets to make this worthwhile. But it's Saturday, and I prefer to do these on Saturdays. They don't require much brainpower, and are a winning alternative to going outside.

I've been outside once already today, and it was a DISASTER. I saw a child being sick in the street. (I mean "sick" as in youth slang for "really good" - it made me feel inadequate.)

I'm sure my tweetrate will go up shortly. Euro 2012 has begun, and I've always been one of this country's leading flag satirists.

So let's put our hands into the lucky dip of history and see if we pull out a plum. That's right, it's another edition of:

A Date With Glib Destiny

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If you're buying a jeep, use the secret code and you'll get a 25% discount. (Secret code = "jeepers creepers")

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(FYI: same deal+code if you're buying creepers)

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Here's a fun activity: tilt your head when looking at a URL so the slashes become perpendicular to your chessboard (also: buy a chessboard).

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A week is an even longer time in dog politics.

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Ugh. I hate Mondays. And unlike some of you whiners, I hate them ALL WEEK.

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I don't normally like giving things away, but I'm working on a KILLER "satirist"/"satyr wrist" tweet that should be finished by 2015.

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I've just changed my email signature to "Still..."

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"I've never held a baby. I've never held a baby hostage. I've never held a hostage, baby!" The 'experience' section of my CV needs updating

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Everyone has one leg shorter than the other guy.

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Overheard at lunch: "These peas are a disgrace". The person saying it had identical DNA to me and was correct.

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Oh man, I remember this HILARIOUS time when some uni friends and I gatecrashed a hive. (You had to be a bee there)

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We've all had times when we've wanted to punch a pomegranate in the face. But most of us don't do it. WE'RE LIVING IN A SOCIETY.

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I think my drug dealer might be on drugs.

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Charathiscter (I'm writing this in character).

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Recurring dreams are just subconscious retweets.

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May cup your minds.

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Has anyone founded a glove?

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"Tap tap. Is this thing on?" - rubbish plumber

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I'm not saying I'm bored, but I have just searched Twitter to see if anyone's discussing Sam Neill.

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Huh. 'Bram' in 'Bram Stoker' is short for Abraham. I always thought it was Bramalamadingdong.

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Do you smell something? How often?

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Any film that doesn't feature an onlooker dropping their sandwich in shock cannot be considered real cinema.

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Judging by the sounds coming from the office upstairs, the people in the office upstairs are cunts.

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How about that? A rare c-word tweet! That makes four in total over the past 3 years. Fit them all together and you can make a profane robot!

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Cool storm outside! Lightning? More like HEAVYning! *high-fives Zeus*

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Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop believing in canoes.

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I'm tired of brushing all my teeth. I'm just going to brush one and hope he passes on the message.

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ISF is short for "is short for".

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♫ "Scratchin' my temple with a USB drive / Scratchin' my temple with a USB drive / Scratchin' my temple with a USB drive / Yeah!" ♫ #music

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My days are like those poisoned blowfish. The edible portion is so small that it makes you wonder why you're wearing a bib.

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There's nothing quite like the musical "Hello?" of someone on the phone trying to work out if they've been disconnected.

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Darren Day and Gladys Knight should host a 24-hour television spectacular. It could be called 'Darren and Gladys'.

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I've been feeding the ducks misinformation.

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I just accidentally opened iTunes and said "no" like a witch.

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"I'm in a lot of pain." - French yeast.

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And with that, my sixteen-tweet series of 'pain as French bread' jokes is complete. The book is out in November.

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Scientists now believe the Stegosaurus died out because no-one could get in position for the Heimlich maneuver.

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Air traffic controllers look down on regular traffic controllers.

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This time next year, it will be my one year anniversary of writing this. I've already commissioned a cake.

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I've just bought a carton of Accent Toner. It's made from concentrate.

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Anagram Tweets: for when using dyslexia as a wordplay device seems like too much hard work.

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"Michael" is my middle name.

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I just saw an elderly man and his clone. Same old, same old.

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I thought of that tweet last whilst half-asleep and thought: "Yes. I'll tweet that." True story.

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I function like a well-ailed machine.

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When having my photo taken, I always insist on being shot from the outside.

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I love the smell of eventual acceptance in the mourning.

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POEM: At the open mic, Mick / did his "dumb builder" shtick / The long mortar bit was laid on too thick / He was hit by a heckler's brick

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Create your own fountain by drilling into an existing fountain.

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Everyone in the world called Brandon will be dead some day. At least there's that.

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"Foals are our future" - horse platitude

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Fool me once, shame on you; boules me once, shame on Jacques.

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Human beings are composed of 70% water, and 30% telling people that.

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I was wondering how heavy my Spanish friend was, so I bought a "Juan weigh" ticket!! (Turned out to be invalid. His name's Dennis.)

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The lion equivalent of "turn that frown upside down" is "put that roar in a drawer". LIONS DON'T EVEN HAVE DRAWERS.

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Never bleed to death. Always bleed away from death. #tips 

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I've never shinned up a drainpipe. I've never shined up a drainpipe. I have, however, sinned up a drainpipe (Incy Wincy Arachnid Homicide).

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Liven up drowning by thinking of it as "bobbing for water".

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The baseball was placed in solitary confinement, but staved off insanity by repeatedly jumping into the mitt of Steve McQueen.

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If there was an italics function on Twitter, I'd italicise every word I wrote. Because subtext is not tame. It must be HUNTED. (Caps are OK)

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As I get older, I'm going to try to put aside more time in which to brandish things.

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"Where's your messiah now?!" I like creative eye tests.

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Paul takes a sip of coffee. "No," he thinks. "This incapacity/"Inca paucity" tweet is terrible. Abandon it."

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If you think about it, a helmet is just a thimble for your head. #halfords

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I always baste time before I waste time, because I like my temporal profligacy MOIST.

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If boredom was Bill Clinton impersonations, I'd be 1994.

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I lost confidence in my "cooler heads pre-veil" joke on the way into work.

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I like to let my mouth and tongue do the talking.

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Remember Micro Machines.

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POEM: The hummingbird's / trajectory / was nectary

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The @ symbol would be a rubbish maze.

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... and the lion will lay down a couple of ground rules for the lamb.

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Friday goodbyes are a minefield. "Have a nice weekend!" Then their dad dies and you feel insensitive.

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I've just started shouting "TURN OFF YOUR ALARRAM CLOCKS, YOU MANIACS" then throwing a smoke bomb. In the confusion, I slink away.

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I'd watch the Olympics if there was more trudging.

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I've pinned a Euro 2012 wall chart wall chart to my wall, to chart all of the Euro 2012 wall charts. It's fun to fill in the little boxes.

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Stupid AutoCorrect. When I type "Afternoo", I MEAN "Afternoo".

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It may not seem like it, but "rind" is a real word.

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"It's an honour just to be Necronominated" - whichever person/character makes this into a joke.

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JOKE: How does Chevy Chase exercise his dog? He plays Fletch (fetch) #jokes #canineretrieval

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One should only use the term "fudge cudgel" if properly contextualised.

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"It's raining cats and humans out there!" - dogs

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Of all the defenders of British dignity, the most heroic are those who insisted on calling the baguette "French stick" for about six months.

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I feel self-conscious about the jangling sound my keys make when I'm thrusting.

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Meaning is arbitrary. Don't look at me like that.

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The Billy Joel song 'Honesty' isn't really about that.

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Oh boy! I've just thought of a CLASSIC joke. Seriously, everyone. Pay attention.

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What do you call a thick monogamist? A monogafog.

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Bam. (You can modify it for any word ending in 'mist') I'VE EARNED MY LUNCH.

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"Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!" After an awkward silence, the giant was ushered away from the wine-tasting.

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Mutter the word "lumpen" under your breath and win two tickets to Chessington World of Adventures.

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Al Murray should try a new character who's a bit like The Pub Landlord, but more focused on solvent abuse.

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There! That wasn't so bad, was it? I thought it was going to be a barren wasteland, but it turned out to be Baron Waistland (who's always fun).

There were several funny things in there. And that's being conservative. Let's all drink to me.

I hope you all enjoy the next sixty years of your life. You'll probably live to see people land on Mars like a tonne of bricks.