Margarine

Keep your hair on!

Not forever. You might want to embalden yourself later in life. You don't want to be ostracised for having lustrous locks. That's how Steven Pinker died.

I'm going to kick things into high gear by collecting some of my recent tweets. You might remember this approach from all the other times I've done it. If you click on the 'Tweets' label at the bottom of this post, you can see some more.

Though I wouldn't advise reading more than one of these posts in a single sitting. It's a bit intense. Like snorting Coco Pops. They turn the brain brown.

This introduction has been all over the place. But I don't want to stay on one topic for too long. I'm like a polar bear, travelling across the melting sea-ice. If I stay on a subject too long, I'll fall into the sea and be eaten by David Attenborough.

I'll tell you what: I'll do my tweet copying now, and if I still feel like rambling, I'll do so on the other side. Deal? Great.

Take a deep breath, because it's time for another edition of:

Oh hang on a minute. Twitter is over capacity, so I can't see my tweets! Jobs again!

How long will it take them to fix it? I haven't got all night.

I wonder what's caused the rush. Perhaps people are talking about the new Gervais and Merchant sitcom Life's Too Short. It's the defining cultural event of a generation.

I thought it was quite good. Warwick Davis was funny, doing a typically Brenty character. My mind isn't blown, but that's probably for the best. I've just washed this hoodie.

Oh, it's fixed again. That means it's time for another edition of:

Life's Too Long

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There was an old woman who swallowed Jeff Goldblum. I don't know why (but I have my suspicions).

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It was always weird at school when you met someone with the same name, parents and body as you.

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Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? The bad news is you're now deaf. The good news is you're unable to hear the bad news.

[Paul/Editor's Note - is this offensive? Probably. And not that funny. But still - here it is.]

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Naked skeletons are scary.

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Penalty port gets better with age, like a fine wine.

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You should always bend your knees before lifting your knees.

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Relaxing evening in last night. I've got a hangunder.

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LUCY'S MISHEARD LYRICS PART 1: She thought the Beatles song Lady Madonna was actually "Knee-Deep in Doughnuts". It fits perfectly. Try it.

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LUCY'S MISHEARD LYRICS PART 2: She thought the chorus to TLC song Waterfalls was "Go, Go, Jason Waterfalls!" I wish it was.

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There's nothing cooler than sunglasses covered in tiny Fonzes. I asked an Eskimo and he made an agreement face.

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Whenever the printer runs out of paper, I rush to refill it like it's a baby bird. I then regurgitate pulp into its cheeping tray. #solved

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The name 'Kev' is short for instance.

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I'm going to make myself scarce on toast.

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Some confused trick-or-treaters just housed my egg.

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Subordinate ghosts carry their deputy head under their arm.

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I'm going to wear a sheet over my head for Halloween. My costume is TERRIFYING MATTRESS.

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A duvet is just a big flat pillow. SORRY FOR BLOWING YOUR MIND.

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I like a girl with an equal number of freckles and Fraggles.

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This isn't east to admit, but I need to tell someone. For the past few years, I've been writing a lazy 5 that looks like an S.

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I sometimes write notes for tweets/stand-up on my phone's Drafts section. But I then forget what they mean. I rediscovered a few today.

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If you have any idea where I was going with the following notes, please let me know. We can split the profits 60/40.

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JOKE NOTE 1: "Fly.swatter. How much is it? 7.99, but that'll last you forever." #jokenotes

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JOKE NOTE 2: "The power of love killed the cat." #jokenotes (I think this might be a Huey Lewis thing)

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JOKE NOTE 3: "Cool dry place, art under 19." #jokenotes

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JOKE NOTE 4: "Thief nod, attractive genetics, green lights. Top dog sketch." #jokenotes

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I'm angry with all of you for not killing me yet.

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Goo grief!

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I dreamt about lying to you last night, and now it's come true.

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My favourite episode of Friends is The One Where Joey Fingers a Snorkel.

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The One With The Disconcerting Prosthesis. #Friends

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The One Where The Guest Star Phones It In. #Friends

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The best place to teach children about innards is the Disembowel Sanctuary. Kids really do need to know about innards.

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People always talk about the blue whale's size, but they forget it's also the world's youngest helicopter pilot.

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Only 20% of any given cobble is visible above the surface.

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Most parents, when asked to rank the happiest moments of their lives, will choose "seeing a referee fall over" at number four.

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Prince Charles has to release regal gasses every forty minutes or he'll die. That's why he's been fitted with an heir vent. #halftruths

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What's the optimum number for a gang of babies? Too few are ineffectual, but too many are unwieldy. That's why most gangs are non-baby.

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Black Hawk Down is so true to life. Birds can be inarticulate when they're depressed

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One man's burnt toast is another man's unintelligible playing card.

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A seahorse walks into a bar. The barman phones the police to report some stolen legs.

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"MEEEEEP.... MEEEEEP... MEEEEEP.... MEEEEEP..." - The Roadrunner is reversing.

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If anxiousness was margarine, I'd be pretty slippery right now.

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Film Pitch: TOM ORROW AND TOM ORROW AND TOM ORROW - Shakespearean cloning drama.

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During WWII, rationing led to people incorporating tyres, spokes and cogs into their diets. As Vera Lynn sang: "Wheel Meat Again..."

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I got the bus today, which reminded me why I should never get the bus. It exceeded the recommended capacity of people and murder fantasies.

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Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit telling people I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. It's addictive. And I don't even smoke.

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I'm worried that I hold my mug in an effeminate way. But it just fits so snugly in my vagina.

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Had creamed leeks for lunch, and now I have that 'creamed leeks' song in my head. (#Creamed leeks, creamed leeks, Creamed leeks, creamed...

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...leaks! Creamed leeks, creamed leeks, Creamed leeks, creamed leeks! Creamed leeks, creamed leeks, Creamed leeks, creamed leeks! LEEKS!#)

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It's my favourite song about leeks, though the reference to leaks seems out of place.

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Manacles is the Greek God of hand restraints.

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Tpyos is the Greek God of minor linguistic mistakes.

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I wish I could turn back the hands of Tim.

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Just sent a penguin to the wrong hospital wing. AUKWARD!

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I'm nestled in the branches of the sedentree.

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Hands up if you're wearing anti-gravity mittens.

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I'm finding it harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror. Should move that bookcase.

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I'm outraged that police can get away with blinding protesters with a cartoon pig. They should ban the use of Peppa spray.

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I know a guy who makes psychic predictions about cream cakes. He claims to be eclairvoyant.

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My eyes were bigger than my stomach, so I only ate one.

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Davey Hirst's baby's thirst took a turn for the worst. He burst. The roles were reversed when he was being nursed, but first things first.

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I always say the first thing that comes into my head. BRAIN PIRATES!

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If anyone has any leftovers, I'll be rightover.

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I don't believe in mirror culls.

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Since childhood, I've relied on those weird chocolate eggs with the toys in the middle. I've always depended on the strangeness of Kinders.

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It's too hot in this office. People keep saying I should take off one of my fur coats, but WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE SACRIFICE?

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I've been practising semaphore with a scimitar and a samovar. Now my arms are tired.

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"Zoo", "bee", "goal", "wicket" and "brother's" are the main types of keeper.

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I can't believe I tried to climb into a petrol tank. I really made a fuel of myself.

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That was terrible. But I've just had coffee, so blame Monsieur Caffeine (I drank it out of a tiny Louvre).

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There's huge pressure on Captain Abacus. So many people are counting on him.

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Mirror-you is more afraid of you than you are of him (or mirror-her).

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They've just opened a new ape surgery. I attended the gibbon-cutting.

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I've never punched someone playfully on the chin and said "Ya big lug!". A tragedy. I only hang around with tiny, chinless lugs.

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"Who here adopted Thing from the Addams Family?" *raises hand*

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Sometimes I worry that I'm never going to make it as an actress.

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Created a character a while ago called Johnny Nosefaces. His catchphrase: "No-one knows faces like Johnny Nosefaces knows faces".

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I tried to redress centuries of pirate injustice by standing on a parrot's shoulder. The funeral is this afternoon.

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I tried making a cup of tea, but these so called 'Kettle Chips' don't hold any water.

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"Bonfire night" is French for "Goodfire night".

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Why is there only one question in the Fire Brigade entrance exam? That's the burning question.

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I have sharp eyes. That's why I wear conical monocles.

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If Einstein knew how easily I'm able to simultaneously regret two contradictory things, he'd probably drop his sandwich in shock.

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It's not about the fireworks, but about the shape of the night sky around them. #thingspeoplehaveprobablysaid #bullshit

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Tonight is the worst night to own a skittish yet flammable dog.

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I used to work at a Butterfly Farm. My proudest day was being named Employee of the Moth.

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Everyone has one immovable bronze body hair. Try to find yours!

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Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? The small cowardly wolf.

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If Sunday was a drink, calendars would be confusing.

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If Sunday was a hat, it would be an increasingly heavy beret.

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If Sunday was a table, it would be covered in saccharine place-mats and its legs would be made of dust.

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It doesn't have to be the back; I take someone stabbing any part of my body as a betrayal.

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How many clementines is too many to eat in one day? Because I've had enough to freak out five jugglers.

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When I'm an old man, I'm going to look back on my life through my mirror glasses which they will have invented by then.

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New Decaffeinated Red Bull gives you the wings of an emu.

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I need to up my coffee regime, regimen, regiment, and regimenté. Some of my atoms are stationary. Can't be having that.

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What's your favourite nursery rhyme? Mine is probably 'bursary'.

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Lucy & I just came up with a 'Tales of the Unexpected'-style TV show called REALMS OF THE UPSETTING. Episode 1: A dog dies on its birthday.

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For the softest, most vibrant wool, keep your sheep in a felt tip pen.

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Film Pitch: WALTERFALLS - Touching drama about elderly vertigo-sufferer Walter Falls & his wife Victoria. Filmed in a barrel.

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Quiz Show Pitch: THE LADDER - Ten people, twenty monkeys, one ladder. And some spikes. Serious consequences for a rung answer.

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Sitcom Pitch: THAT SINKING FEELING - Plumber Simon N King makes a deal with the Devil (or "Sin King") to remove blockages. Exasperated wife.

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Film Pitch: PLANNING PERMISSION - Tense action thriller about a shed/annexe. Denzel Washington doesn't know who to trust. Exasperated wife.

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Christmas displays in shops don't get earlier every year. You're thinking of last Christmas.

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I've been off-guard for most of today. I've tried to get en garde, but my sword has been confiscated.

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I did a doodle of an 8. It looks just like one.

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Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall, when actually it's the wall that's moving.

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"Herbal Medicine Practitioner's". *sigh* I know it's pedantic, but I hate it when people use apothecaries in the wrong places.

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You smell of toast.

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I'm smiling on the inside. (Just infiltrated a clown college)

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If I was stranded on a desert island, I'd probably spend the last of my phone battery tweeting coconut puns.

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I covered my bathroom walls in bearskin and now I'm infertile. INFERTILE. IN FUR TILE. TILES LIKE A BATHROOM TILE. AND FUR. #goodjokes

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I'd get my hair cut more often if barbers were called barbors. Who wouldn't want a trip to the barborshop? No-one with any sense.

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When making a bowl of cereal, always pour the milk in AFTER the bowl has been designed. Before that, there simply isn't a bowl.

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I take an instant dislike to someone if I see them burning a mouse.

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I just took a shower. Because you can't spell 'nocturnal' without clean typing fingers.

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During an average night's sleep, you'll crawl over the face of seven spiders.

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The opposite of apposite is irrelevant.

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I use custard instead of tar, tar instead of honey, and honey instead of custard. It's a viscous circle.

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Don't take no for an answer. Unless the question is: "Complete the name of this early Bond film - Dr BLANK".

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Ironically, to shackle a ram, you need to be quite organised.

[Paul/Editor's Note: Remember when I wrote about this?! It did get retweeted in the end, by @Monkey_Cam, though I suspect it was just because he read the blog. I still appreciate it though!]

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Quiz Show Pitch: MINCE - Contestants eat, guess, swim through, and are, mince.

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Film Pitch: SOLDIER OF FOUR TUNES - A musician with a limited repertoire is sent to Iraq for our benefit.

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Sitcom Pitch: JACKETT POTATO - Millwall manager Kenny Jackett shares a flat with a potato. The potato isn't sentient. It just sits there.

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Don't sell yourself shorts.

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I haven't fallen down the stairs for ages. I don't think I'm getting any nimbler, so I can only assume stair design has improved.

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I went on a spiritual E-treat to Ctrl+F myself.

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Billy Wilder's been wilder than Gene Wilder. But Gene Wilder's been more silly than Billy Wilder.

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You can identify an arrogant sparrow by its wing-mirrors. #sparrogant

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The worst thing about stuffing envelopes is you get sage all over your Christmas cards.

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My eyes feel like they're trying to commit harakiri (harakireye?) by impaling themselves on my brain stem. They're probably not though.

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Apparently, a quip doesn't count if you introduce it first. "Hey everyone! Here's a quip you might find both relevant and snappy!"

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"Shuffling the truffle" is my favourite euphemism for rearranging truffles.

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Unamaniform. (I like a man in uniform)

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I need to drink enough coffee to fuel my walk home, but not so much that I'll smash up a mosque on the way.

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I think we should put the clocks back every week, faster and faster, until we're all just splattered against the past.

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My ambition is to jump over my own head. Haven't quite managed it yet, but once I cleared my throat.

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The man on the street is an idiot. I want to hear from the man under the street. #MorlockVOXpops

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It's annoying when you're just about to sneeze, and someone suddenly accuses you of murder.

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"The 'K' in 'OK' is silent." "Oh." "EXACTLY." - screenplay's coming along nicely.

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How do you keep people on the Atkins diet off your property? Carbed-wire. #AHAHA #similarwords #selfesteem

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If you write "condensation" in condensation, you conjure up a really boring demon.

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There we be.

I should have said earlier that I've started re-posting some of my older tweets. There's probably about fifteen of them up there.

I never repeat jokes usually, but I don't have a problem with it in principle. Some jokes were probably seen by no-one (especially if I tweeted them when I had about 16 followers).

Most of these re-posts are about two years old, so I think that's OK. If you remember any of these, you have been around for the long haul. I respect you. But you have to share the wealth. And the dearth.

Share the dearth.

I'm going to have that written on my exploding tombstone.