Feeble Road

I had a stand-up gig on Friday.

I was waiting at the bus stop for a bus. I was hoping the bus would take me some of the way to the venue where the gig was to be held. And it did. That gamble paid off, but I'm not going to get complacent.

At the bus stop was a couple.

I don't know if they were a couple-couple. But there were two of them - one male and one female. The looked fairly normal. But the man was carrying a bag, and in the bag were two large inflatable monkeys.

As I said, they looked quite normal. The couple, I mean. Not the monkeys.

The monkeys were inflatable. Most monkeys are not. Inflatable monkeys are not the norm. I estimate the ratio of non-inflatable monkeys to inflatable monkeys is about 1,000,000-to-1.

Not that there aren't a lot of inflatable monkeys. I'm sure there are. But if we're including inflatable monkeys in our calculations, we have to include all inanimate monkeys. There are lots of inanimate monkeys: egg-cups, stuffed toys, novelty pencil cases, shampoo bottles. None of them are inflatable, but they're all monkeys.

And that's before we even get to the real monkeys, of which there are literally dozens.

So the inflatable monkeys were unusual. The couple were normal. And the incongruity of those two facts, made the whole incident all the stranger.

What was this guy doing with the monkeys?

They weren't wearing any costumes. They didn't even seem to be dressed particularly smartly. What events require the presence of two inflatable monkeys?

Perhaps they were attending a party, the theme of which was '1981 Football Crowd Racism'.

But that would be a terrible theme for a party. It's much too specific.

The options would be very limited. Also, there would be the whole racist element. They'd probably do racist chanting. They'd claim it was ironic, I'm sure. But irony is not an excuse for beating up black people and harassing John Barnes. It just isn't.

Maybe they were going to an off-the-wall Remembrance Day ceremony. The way we commemorate significant events changes over the years. Even solemn occasions can be enhanced by new methods of communicating our respect. Maybe in place of the two minutes' silence, they were having two minute primates.

That doesn't work, of course. 'Primate' doesn't sound much like 'silence'. And, as I already said, these monkeys were actually quite large. But I can't go back and delete that sentence now. It would be cowardly.

The couple (and the monkeys) got on the same bus as me, but got off one stop earlier. At Keble Road. Perhaps they were going somewhere in Jericho. Somewhere monkey-related.

I'll probably never know.

And, what's worse, it will probably never matter.

The gig itself went well. The other acts were of a high standard, and I felt genuinely nervous before going on stage. I'm sure it showed. But I think I did OK, with quite a lot of new material and a couple of forced callbacks.

My biggest laugh probably came from the ad-lib "I don't even have any constituents". It's funnier out of context.

I thought about mentioning the monkeys on stage. Oxford is a small town. Someone in the audience might have known who the monkey couple where. I chickened-out in the end, because I might have felt forced to do one of my famous monkey jokes.

"Timke is monkey" might have been one of them.

I just thought of that. I might tweet it and see if it gets retweeted. It doesn't even really make sense. It's supposed to be a play on 'time is money'. Actually, I won't tweet it. I don't think I could take that kind of rejection.

I'm pretty sure they were monkeys, by the way. The inflatable things I saw.

I don't think they were apes. They were in a bag, so their tails were concealed, but they certainly seemed to be monkeys. Which is a shame, because if they were apes, I could have done my ape surgery/gibbon-cutting joke (from my last blog post).

But they were monkeys. And to do an ape joke would be a zoological blunder. I try to avoid those wherever possible.

Despite the actual comedy going well, I did struggle with the small matter of talking to people. I had a number of conversations with a variety of different people, and I was incredibly awkward with all of them. I think that's one reason why I could never have a real stand-up career. I make people feel uncomfortable, and not in a good way.

If I could travel by some sort of pneumatic underground tube to each gig, do my set, and then tube my way back home, everything would be fine. But we don't have pneumatic underground tubes. Not in Oxfordshire. Thanks a lot, Cameron!

***

You don't think...

no.

No, it couldn't be.

They're monkeys, not apes.

But you don't think...

maybe...

maybe the couple weren't the ones taking the inflatable monkeys to Keble Road?

Maybe the monkeys were taking THEM.

This could be the beginning of a Planet of the Inflatable Apes scenario! Or Inflatable Monkeys!

Or maybe the inflatable monkeys actually WERE apes. Hiding in plain sight. No-one would expect a species revolution from monkeys. Not those cute little guys! They've got tails. They help us by bringing remote controls and laughter. And the apes KNOW THAT.

They posed as monkeys, and are now taking over the world! Starting in North Oxford!

Imagine the indignity of being ruled by inflatable apes.

I'd be fine with real apes, but inflatable apes? That's beyond the pale. They'd have to confiscate all pins.

I should have grabbed the monkey-apes when I saw them. At the bus stop with the couple. I should have thrown them onto the road and stomped them all flat and airless.

The monkeys, not the couple.

I should have shouted "FOR HUMANITY!" when doing so. The couple would have thanked me, I'll wager.

Oh God. What if I'm responsible for the Planet of the Inflatable Apes? I don't think I could handle that burden.

And what's worse - much worse - is that if these monkeys truly were apes, I could have done my gibbon-cutting joke all along.

YOU MANIACS etc!

***

If I went back and edited that, I could probably come up with something quite coherent and mildly funny.

But I'm not going to do that.

It would be cowardly.