The Post With The Most

April is the cruellest month.

And she's also the cruellest member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cast - she used to pull Splinter's tail :-(

For my last post, I had a list of topics to write about. This time, I've decided to go old-school and make it up as I go along. This method has led to many classics - so many that to list any examples would be an affront to Jesus.

Huh. I was sure 'affront' was only spelled with one 'f'. I must be going CRAZY.

In the old days, being 'old-school' was just known as 'school'. There were no old schools in the old days (or as they were called then: 'days').

I'm sure all the old-timers (or 'timers') used to sit around in their old-fashioned (or: 'fashioned') clothes, thinking about all the tales that their non-existent ancestors had told (or: 't').

Everything was new then, back in the day.

In the days, there was no 'back in the day'. There was nothing before then. If anything, it was 'later in the day' that was thought of, wistfully, with forward nostalgia for the familiar events of the future.

Everything must have seemed so new and terrifying.

We're jaded now.

A plum? Yeah, yeah.

Richard Clayderman? Seen it all before...

Some legs? Same old, same old...

That's why amnesiacs have it easy.

***

LINDON: You know your 5-a-day?

FRANCES: Yeah.

LINDON: It's a big con. The government is lying to you.

FRANCES: To me?

LINDON: Yeah. Well, not just you. Everyone.

FRANCES: Oh no. Oh no.

LINDON: Oh yes.

FRANCES: I need to sit down. Or lie down. Or lean against something.

LINDON: You know how many portions of fruit you need each day?

FRANCES: No.

LINDON: No, neither do I. But 5 doesn't seem plausible.

FRANCES: You're right. Now that I think about it. You're right.

LINDON: You know how many fruits/vegetables I eat each day?

FRANCES: No.

LINDON: S.

FRANCES: S?

LINDON: That's right: S.

FRANCES: But that's not a number. Is it?

LINDON: You've always been sharp-eyed. That's why your glasses keep getting scratched. It's not a number. But what does it look like?

FRANCES: A snake? Handcuffs?

LINDON: 5. It looks like a 5.

FRANCES: Right.

LINDON: I'm beating the system. I don't have 5-a-day. I have S-a-day.

FRANCES: Right.

LINDON: Pretty clever.

FRANCES: Yeah. Really clever. But...

LINDON: What?

FRANCES: Well, what does it entail? Like, practically, how do you eat S fruits and vegetables?

LINDON: I make my own smoothies.

FRANCES: But S... well, it isn't really a quantity.

LINDON: I put in frozen fruit to make it colder. And yoghurt.

FRANCES: But... so... how many fruit and vegetables have you had today?

LINDON: 4 or S. Give or take.

END OF SKETCH

***

I'm almost too productive sometimes.