Odds

Interesting fact: I have never used the letter 'k' in any of my previous blog posts.

It wasn't intentional. It just happened that way. I probably just have a tendency to avoid 'k' words. I've used all of the other letters at least once, in addition to many symbols.

It's not just the 'k'. I've also never used a huge variety of numbers. Of all the numbers in the world, I've only used a fraction of a percent. I've used 1-10 many times over, and have in fact used most numbers up to 100. But after that, there are big gaps.

Of the billion known numbers, I've probably only included four hundred in this blog. And I've nearly done nine hundred blog posts.

Pretty weird.

That's the thing with probabilities. We do so many things every day that the chances of us doing something statistically improbably are, like, 100%.

I've done a quick search, and in seven years, I've never once written about Roy Scheider.

Unless I spelled it wrong.

I've started cutting up my apples before I eat them. It really is a different experience. Revelatory. The core is thrown away, so you're left with nothing but pure fruitflesh. The stem is a non-factor.

I'd never realised how oppressive an apple-core is. If you're eating an apple whole, it's always there. Sure, it's holding the thing together. But it's a blight on your enjoyment. You have to avoid the central pillar. There's always the threat of an errant seed.

No-one has ever been totally relaxed when eating an apple. How can you enjoy yourself when, at any moment, you might get a stalk in the eye?

Cutting up the apple takes away the danger. All killer, no filler. All apple, no crapple.

Admittedly, it does require a knife and a plate. That's extra washing-up. But I think it's worth it.

No more having to endure a rapidly browning core on your coffee table, because you're too lazy to throw it away.

You can make a change. You can improve your situation. Don't be afraid to break with tradition.

***

We have too many books, and not enough bookcases.

I'm sure you're in the same situation. You love to read, but you don't love storage. The books pile up, under the coffee table, on the arm-rests of chairs, on top of umbrellas, down the sides of things. When your godmother comes to stay, she tuts so loudly that you denounce Catholicism.

But fear not! I'm here to give you some innovative and elegant storage solutions for those extra books. There's no need for a trip to Ikea. Because you're already on a trip to IDEA. (By reading some of these ideas)

Ceiling Nooses

Nooses have a bit of a bad rap. They're commonly associated with hanging people. But a noose is just a loop of rope, secured with some kind of knot. They are multi-purpose; it's not all about the human neck.

Simply hang nooses from your ceiling, light fittings or original Tudor beams. In each noose, put a book. If you want to retrieve one, just reach up and get reading! It's fun, fashionable, and convenient. The books will no longer be in your way, unless your ceilings are too low, the ropes are too long, or you are to tall. But all of these are negotiable.

Spare Microwave

We all have more than one microwave. Some of us have as many as five, dotted about the open-plan kitchen/diner. We really only need one. But we never seem to get around to throwing them away. "What if I need a spare?" we'll say, pathetically justifying our sloth.

Well, there's no need to chastise yourself any longer. A spare microwave is the ideal place to store your books. Use the little turntable part to give yourself a view of the books from a variety of different angles. Inspect the binding.

In winter, heat the books (for twenty to thirty seconds) to provide a comforting and snug hand item.

Library

A library is literally built to house books (unless the building was re-purposed at some point). They have the space and they have the expertise. It's a little-known fact that, in addition to granting you borrowing privileges, your library card gives you the right to store your own books in the library.

Just bring them along in a wheelbarrow and secrete them around the building. When you want them back, just come and collect them, no questions asked! (Though there may well be some questions.)

The only drawback is that other library users may try to check your books out, as though they were common library stock. If this happens, grab the book from them and say "NO. NO. NO."

Holsters

Carry several books on your person at all times, in tiny bespoke holsters. I have The Hunt for Red October in my ankle holster right now.

If someone challenges be to a reading duel (or "bookdown"), I'll be on chapter six before they've even opened their duffel bag.

Mirrors

Glue your extra books to mirrors. If they have reflective covers, that's all the better.

Other Books

We're all aware that you can store things inside other books. This is usually in the form of a hole cut into the meat of the pages, leaving a secret section. In fiction, this is often a gun or a hammer or a magical key. It's a way to keep these objects hidden. Who would look in a book?

Exactly. Who would look in a book for a book?

To store extra books this way, simply find a larger book on your shelf. Cut away the page innards, so there is an appropriately-sized inner chamber. Then place your extra book within this hidden hole and there you have it: two books for the space of one.

Just remember to keep track of which books are in which books. A good way to do this is to cross out the title of the "host" book from the spine, and write the inner book's title on there instead.


I hope this entry has been helpful. Before long, you won't even remember what it was like to trip over piles of superfluous books.

"Remember tripping over piles of superfluous books?" people will say.

And you will shake your head.

Join me next time, when I'll be suggesting some easy ways of smuggling windows through customs.