A Change

I have problems. I just decided that I HATED someone on Twitter because they drink wine.

That's not a good sign, as far as mental well-being is concerned. The hatred, not the wine.

I'm retreating into my shell. And receding into it. I'm not going to google that phrase, but I think it's one of those.

I'm in my shell, anyway. And it's getting thicker. As my shell gets thicker, my skin gets thinner. 

I'm becoming both more hermit-like and more crabby. I just tried to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming, and I drew blood.

***

I wrote some of that yesterday. And some of it today. I feel pretty much the same, but I thought I'd punch it up a little bit. You should have seen it before. Pretty dull and maudlin, it was.

I'm off comedy.

I trying to remove anyone from my Twitter feed who makes jokes or even light-hearted remarks. I don't like thinking about comedy. I don't write it anymore. I don't come up with any "material". I'm going to become one of those serious people.

Serious people are much more dignified. It's impossible to be dignified and smile. It's impossible to be dignified and tell a joke.

Dignity is the way forward. It's not a choice between dignity and happiness. Happiness is off the table regardless. I could lighten the tone of this paragraph with a self-deprecating joke, but I won't. I'm off comedy, as I said. 

I'm also off self-deprecation. It's impossible to be dignified and self-deprecating. Dignity comes from an honest assessment of your own qualities. I'm a very handsome man. If you've ever seen a picture of me, you know that that isn't a joke. It's serious. I'm serious now.

It's like that episode of Seinfeld:



I'm not posting that clip because I find it funny. As I said, I'm off comedy. It's just that it illustrates what I'm trying to do.

Of course, the difference is that I was never funny. I was just trying to be. It was embarrassing.

I'm not going to write any more stand-up. I might write a gloomy novel instead. Novels don't have to be funny. In fact, they're more likely to be successful if they're as dark as possible.

I've wasted a lot of time.

I really have.

Everything I've accomplished as a writer - and I don't hesitate to call myself that - has been so frivolous. I always puncture my serious prose with a joke. It's a form of self-preservation. I don't want to be judged on my own merit. If you're a clown, people will go easy on you.

It's time to put away my safety blanket; to deflate my arm-bands.

I am here. I am me. I'm being honest. My mouth is as straight as a razor.

I don't want you to laugh. I don't want you to smile. I want you to recognise something.

Unless you're funny.

If you're funny, I want you to find me alienating.

This isn't a joke.