Ortance

That last post was a bit gloomy, wasn't it?!

What am I like?

Life is brilliant now. This isn't sarcasm. I know it seems like it is, but it isn't.

Let's wash the taste of despair out of our mouths and hair with a refreshing sorbet. What kind of sorbet? A sorbet of proportion.

Things are fine here, and things are fine with me.

No need to worry about us. We're through the worst of it. It's practically summer now.

I haven't had much time for coming up with "funny" ideas, so I need to climb back on that pony and force it to wear a technicolour wig.

I did spend a lot of time working on a tweet about imps yesterday. You don't see many references to imps nowadays, so I thought it might be a fresh area to explore.

I remember having an audio cassette as a child (remember "children"?), on which was a story about an imp. I don't remember enough specifics to track it down. All I remember was that the imp wreaked (wrought?) havoc in a kitchen. I can't even remember who was in the right. Was it the chef or the imp? Both are known for their unpredictability and stupid hats.

That's all I know about imps.

I now know slightly more about imps, as I've read their Wikipedia page.

Here's an imp:

She looks uncomfortable.

That's right: she. I'm not an imp sexist.

Judging by the description, the Superman antagonist Mr Mxyzptlk (one of the greatest names in comics) seems to be a kind of imp.

He's a mischievous, magical being, who Superman is too noble to punch. He's a bit like the basically-exactly-the-same Fantastic Four antagonist, The Impossible Man:

Sadly, this panel isn't followed by The Thing beating him to death.

That's all I know about imps. For realsies this time.

So I was working on an imp-based tweet.

Twitter jokesmiths have covered almost every word, object, or concept, so you need to stay one step ahead of the game. Originality is a rare beast. You need to type something that no-one has typed before. That's why I went for imps. No-one will have done a joke about imps.

But I found that there's a reason for that.

There aren't any good jokes about imps.

Wordplay is the obvious starting point. My first thought was doing an impulse/"imp pulse" joke.

E.g. "I hadn't planned to check the mischievous fairy's heartbeat, but in the end I did it on imp pulse."

Not good.

Not. Good.

Then I wondered about some kind of pimp reference. But how would that work? Some variation on "that really puts the 'imp' in 'pimp'"? What would be the set-up?

Some kind of "imp rest"/impressed joke?

After several hours of thinking, and several tree's worth of paper screwed up on the floor (nothing was written on the paper, I just needed to vent my frustration), I began to lose confidence in the imp tweet idea. Are imps really that original? Shouldn't I be tweeting something political or topical or edgy?

Imps aren't political or topical. They're quite edgy, but only in a whimsical middle-ages kind of way. Back then, anyone who didn't wear a bonnet was considered edgy. Wreaking havoc in a kitchen was their Johnny Rotten.

So I abandoned the idea. I went in search of a different word; one that was rare and hilarious and full of potential.

Then it hit me.

Nickel.

Pretty good, right?

Nobody tweets about nickel.

The possibilities are numerous with nickel.

It's important to note, however, that I'm only talking about nickel the metal. I am emphatically NOT talking about the American coins. Nickel is funny. "A nickel" or "nickels" are not.

I'm worried that this distinction will limit my ability to appeal to a US audience. They might see some of my hilarious nickel tweets, and miss the point entirely.

"Nickels aren't funny," they might say.

"You're absolutely right," I'd say. "Nickels aren't funny. But nickel is funny."

They'd be able to discern the bolding and italicising in my voice, and would be forced to agree.

Nickel will be such a fruitful comedy area, that I'll devote a whole new Twitter account to it. To avoid the above confusion, I couldn't use the Twitter name @nickel (which in any case is probably already taken). I'd have to use @nickelthemetal

Nickel!

Nobody tweets about nickel.

Nickel makes imp seem positively mainstream in comparison. They'll be doing jokes about imps (and the difference between men and women, and Facebook, and Anne Widdecome) on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow. But no-one will be doing nickel material.

I'll have cornered the market.

Good old nickel (the metal)! You're going to be my ticket to fame.

I'll just do a bit of research.

There. I now know slightly more about nickel.

Hey, check this out:

In medieval Germany, a red mineral was found in the Erzgebirge (Ore Mountains) that resembled copper ore. However, when miners were unable to extract any copper from it, they blamed a mischievous sprite of German mythology, Nickel (similar to Old Nick), for besetting the copper. They called this ore Kupfernickel from the German Kupfer for copper.

A... mischievous sprite of German mythology...?

But doesn't that sound similar to an... imp?

What do imps and nickel have in common? Why, out of all the random words I might have thought of, do these two share a bond?

IS GOD TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

SOMETHING ABOUT IMPS AND NICKEL?

This is why comedy is so difficult. You try to be original, but you end up being embroiled in a chemical-mythological conspiracy that drives you insane.

John Bishop has the right idea. He wouldn't touch nickel with a ten-foot pole.