Minimum

Cowabunga and good evening.

Everyone has OLYMPICS FEVER, but I'm wearing an airtight hazmat sarong, so remain unaffected. I like the Olympics well enough, but I don't have it coursing through my ducts 'n' fibre. It might seep in later, but for now you can look elsewhere for national pride and podia.

Instead, I'd like to talk to you about Rhys Ikeling.
 
In the old days, people didn't like Rhys Ikeling. But now, Rhys Ikeling is a part of everyday life.

...and so on and so on.

"Rhys Ikeling" sounds like "recycling", so I was going to do some kind of thing about that.

Maybe you wouldn't realise what I was talking about, and I'd have said something about bins, and you would have been all like "CLASSIC!".

No-one can predict the possible pasts. For that you'd need a crystal-mirrorball, and those are expensive.

I'll probably write a hit web comedy about Rhys Ikeling in 2013. It will have lots of misunderstandings and references to popular culture from the nineties. I'll sell a lot of merchandise and then this blog post will become a fantastical curio for my many fans. That will probably happen.

I'm tired.

***

I'm not so tired!

Hey, how about this for a great comedy idea?

There's a character who is hard of hearing, so one of the other characters (Dan) will say "Let me offer you a piece of advice..." and the hard of hearing character (who's also called Dan, enabling future comedy), says "Thank you - I would like a piece of rice!".

Then Dan is all "What? No. I said "advice"." And Dan will be "Uh... yes, that's what I said: rice. I'm making a chilli con carne and I don't have much rice, so your piece of rice, whilst not totally making up for the shortfall, will certainly make the rice lack less noticeable.".

Then Dan will roll his eyes and hand over the rice that he was holding, and Dan (a girl one) will be "You're a good friend!" and they'll kiss, and then then deaf Dan will say "Who should defend?" and then the whole cast, crew and studio audience will nod and think that television is BACK.

It's a classic scenario, but with a modern twist.

I'm tired again.

***

I'm less tired. Here are some one-word reviews of films I've seen lately:

The Dark Knight Rises:

Decent

Basil the Great Mouse Detective:

Mouse

Paris, Texas:

Honesty

Amazing Spider-Man:

Decent

Don't Look Now:

Do

Blade:

Douchebags


Quantum of Solace:

Forgotten

Adventureland:

People

***

This blog post will fulfil my minimum requirements of eight Headscissors entries each month.

We shan't speak of the content drought of December 2010. I mean, I just did speak of it. But we won't speak of it again.

Unless you want to. I'm not your dad. (Yes, that includes you, Paul Junior. I didn't want to tell you like this, but you were named after your real dad: Paul "Junior" McGann).

Changing tack, I think my blog could help the illiterate. They should be read one of my finest entries (perhaps the one about polenta). Then, after their appetite has been whetted, told that they will be read no more. They will then be forced to learn to read, just so they can access this treasure trove of fascination and poorly-punctuated dialogue.

It's like a combination of carrot and stick. They're given a carrot, and then beaten on the mouth until they voluntarily eat more carrots.

The carrot and stick dichotomy is a false one anyway. What is a carrot, if not a delicious orange stick? What is a stick, if not a carrot inhibitor?

Same with the whole rod and child thing. I don't want either, thank you very much.

Changing tack, how about a space-saving alternative to fitting rooms? Customers in clothes shops can be stuck to the wall with a lurid adhesive, far away from the prying eyes of their fellow woman. Then, when they're finished, they can peel themselves off.

Changing tack.

Changing tack.

Do you see?

Changing-tack.

What about with a hyphen? What about with a hyphen?

Rhys Ikeling.

Changing tack.

Rice/advice.

Three strikes, Paul. Three strikes.

Three strikes, and your union will be taken seriously.

Everyone is praying for me to stop this. And who am I to argue with the prayers of prayers?