Summery

This isn't a diary.

That should be obvious from the lack of tear stains (cyber) and my lackadaisical approach to its security. My real diary is under my pillow (in New York's East River).

That being said, I think some people use blogs to describe the day's events. I've done that on occasion, but I usually lose interest in that approach. It's mainly because nothing particularly interesting happens to me. Richard Herring can write about his daily life because it involves regularly performing stand-up, being on TV and radio, and palling around with celebrities (albeit ones that most people haven't heard of).

But I write a lot of blog entries at work (in designated break periods, of course). So if I was to summarise the day's events, it would just be:

Woke up. Felt angry at the world. Came to work. Did boring things.

Which is, of course, fascinating. But you can imagine that if it was repeated daily, some of the magic would fade.

But it means that I have to generate blog content. This usually just comes from the polluted stream of my consciousness. The results can sometimes be entertaining (like an amusingly-shaped piece of flotsam), or depressing and banal (like an amusingly-shaped piece of jetsam).

So, given that the river is more of a trickle today, and that I've been at home, I'll write an account of my activities. It could be hugely exciting.

I didn't leave the house today.

I woke up at 12:45, which was delightful. I love a good lie-in, but they have been hard to come-by lately. But a good eleven hours sleep was ideal. I think that's my ideal level of sleep. If only I could have eleven hours every day - I think I'd be operating with the power of a chess grandmaster wrestling Mozart in a canoe.

Anyway, I was just in time to watch the England game, which was interesting. For me. The team weren't great, but I'm all for lowering the expectations of the media. Playing Japan also gave me the opportunity to bring out my always accurate (and never offensive) Japanese accent. It's mostly gleaned from Japanese wrestling commentators, and mainly involves shouting "BODDDY-SLAMMMA"or "SHIYYININGGGA-WIZZAAARDOH!" into the mirror. I'm well-adjusted. Remember, it's not politically incorrect to do that, as I'm part Chinese - which gives me immunity for mocking that entire region. Carte blanche-supremacy, if you will.

I noticed that one of the billboard sponsors was Thames Valley University. Part of me thinks that any student who makes their university decision based on a football advertisement is probably not the most desirable candidate. But another part of me thought: "Hmm. Thames Valley University! Sign me up! A course in Sports Ad Science seems like a good idea!". Then a third part (the brain) thought: No. Don't do that.

After the match, Lucy and I just lounged around in bed. We opened the windows wide, and let the beautiful proto-summer air swirl around. We have a tree outside our bedroom window. It's fun to watch it change with the seasons, to pick its fruit, or to harvest any cats that have strayed for the last time.

Looking at the foliage, we quickly identified the leaf in charge. Every tree has a commanding officer - someone who'll take charge of the whole operation. Our tree's leader is Keith Heath, the Chief Leaf. He's small (like Napoleon), but forthright (like Neapolitan).

Hey, that reminds me of the Metropelican! Remember him?

Not much else happened in the afternoon. We lounged, we read, we drank tea. It was all quite tranquil. I think all weekends should be three days long. And all weeks should be two days long. And there could be a new construct (a weekendeekend, perhaps) to make up the difference.

In the evening, we watched Lewis, and were delighted to see our old college, Mansfield, in some of the scenes. I'd love to be in Lewis. I reckon I could play a murderer. Or murderee (I don't want to spoil the ending).

I might write an episode, using my knowledge of Oxford. Most episodes would involve Lewis and Hathaway sleeping in, and then naming leaves.

And now I'm writing this. My iPod is on random, and is currently playing the Elevator Mix of Gwen Stefani's What You Waiting For?

Which is odd.

So that is a summary of my (lack of) activities. Don't weep for me; I like doing little.

Anyway, whilst my body is inactive, my mind is racing with a thousand thoughts: creating new characters, solving leaf-based mysteries, and evolving faster than a mouse in Richard Dawkins's house. Also, I came up with this:

'Hippo' is the politically incorrect abbreviation for a hipsy.

I'd better slow down tomorrow.

All Work and No Playlist

At work, we've started the enjoyable tradition of creating a weekly Spotify playlist on a chosen subject. It's usually what I spend most of my day-off doing. It can be lots of fun, and a good opportunity to share great music and demonstrate how cosmopolitan I am (as if my many accents and racist hats weren't evidence enough).

I also get to hear lots of exciting new things, making me feel like a real renaissance man.

If you don't have Spotify, this post may be of limited appeal. But I thought I'd provide a compendium of all the lists I've compiled so far.

As well as the general theme, I've forced other rules on myself as the weeks have gone on. At the moment, the songs chosen:

a) must be from my own iTunes library (the only exception being songs that aren't on Spotify - in which case, I'm allowed a cover version)

b) no repeated content (eg. if the theme is 'Fruit', I'm only allowed one 'apple' song)

c) Each list must end with a Scott Walker song (I'm not sure why)

d) Only one song by each artist

e) The theme is usually reflected by the song title, rather than the content of the song itself

But these rules have only developed over time. I'm sure to have a whole alphabet of rules by the end of it, such as

k) All songs must not finish

v) No ears allowed

y) No songs with a G# in them

Not yet though.

So, here they are so far:

doppelgängbäng

A list compiled of pairs of songs with the same name. Quite straightforward - obviously you're not allowed two versions of the same song.

Song - Artist - Album

Oasis	Amanda Palmer	Who Killed Amanda Palmer?
Oasis	Ugly Duckling	Journey To Anywhere
Wonderboy	The Kinks	Something Else by The Kinks
Wonderboy	Tenacious D	Tenacious D
Maybe Tomorrow	Chords	The Triptych [Disc 3]
Maybe Tomorrow	The Jackson 5	Classic Jackson 5. The Universal Masters Collection
Witness (1 Hope)	Roots Manuva	Run Come Save Me
Witness	The Delgados	The Great Eastern
Butterfly	Lenny Kravitz	Mama Said
Butterfly	Scott Walker	Scott 3
Oh Yeah	Can	Tago Mago
Oh Yeah	Ash	Crush (Disc 1)
Sometimes	Bilal	1st Born Second
Sometimes	Les Rythmes Digitales	Darkdancer [UK]
Steppin' Out	Joe Jackson	The Collection
Stepping Out (Liverpool '78)	The Fall	Live At The Witch Trials [Bonus Tracks] [Disc 2]
Lullabye	Grizzly Bear	Yellow House
Lullabye	Ben Folds Five	The Unauthorized Biography Of Reinhold Messner

Sub2fuge

Songs under two minutes long.

The House That Guilt Built	The Wrens	The Meadowlands
Beaumont's Lament	Quentin Tarantino	Jackie Brown
Threesome	The Divine Comedy	Victory For The Comic Muse
React	Jurassic 5	Power In Numbers
Oh My Golly!!!	Pixies	Surfer Rosa & Come On Pilgrim
How It Should Be (Sha Sha)	Ben Kweller	Sha Sha
Industrial Estate (Liverpool '78)	The Fall	Live At The Witch Trials
Black Sheep Boy	Tim Hardin	Black Sheep Boy - An Introduction To Tim Hardin
Defari Interlude	Dilated Peoples	Expansion Team
How She Boogalooed It	The Beach Boys	Smiley Smile / Wild Honey
April Come She Will	Simon & Garfunkel	Old Friends
Stay A While	Dusty Springfield	Dusty Springfield - Hits
Row	Jon Brion	Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Please Don't Talk About Me When I'm Gone	Billie Holiday	The Billie Holiday Story
Whatever Happened To Pong?	Frank Black	Teenager Of The Year
Satan Is My Master	Ben Folds Five	Naked Baby Photos
Till The Morning Comes	Neil Young	After The Goldrush
We Came Through	Scott Walker	Scott 3

Namely...

Songs with people's names in them (I wonder if these explanations are a bit superfluous)

Becky	Be Your Own Pet	Get Awkward
The Curse of Jonah Brian	Cats In Paris	Courtcase 2000
Lucy	The Divine Comedy	A Secret History - The Best Of The Divine Comedy
Robert Onion	Frank Black & The Catholics	Dog In The Sand
Saint Simon	The Shins	Chutes Too Narrow
Rollin' Dany	The Fall	This Nation's Saving Grace
So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright	Simon & Garfunkel	Old Friends
Ruby	Silver Apples	Silver Apples
Christina	Mr Hermano	Serve Chilled 2 (Disc 2)
Lizzy	Ben Kweller	Sha Sha
Caroline Goodbye	Colin Blunstone	Some Years: It's the Time of Colin Blunstone
Jesus Shootin' Heroin	The Flaming Lips	Finally The Punk Rockers Are Taking Acid 1983-1988
The Thoughts Of Mary Jane	Nick Drake	Five Leaves Left
Judy Is A Punk	The Ramones	Ramones
Stephanie Says	The Velvet Underground	The Royal Tenenbaums
Jackie	Scott Walker	Scott 2

Namely... Folds

Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five have loads of songs based on names, so I gave them their own list. I'm annoyed that the Ben Folds Five songs are listed on Spotify as just 'Ben Folds', What about Robert Sledge? What about Darren Jesse? Eh? What's that? No-one cares? Oh. Ok.

Kate	Ben Folds Five	Whatever & Ever Amen
Annie Waits	Ben Folds	Rockin' The Suburbs
Eddie Walker	Ben Folds Five	Naked Baby Photos
Julianne	Ben Folds Five	Ben Folds Five
Alice Childress	Ben Folds Five	Ben Folds Five
Zak And Sara	Ben Folds	Rockin' The Suburbs
The Ascent Of Stan	Ben Folds	Rockin' The Suburbs
Steven's Last Night in Town	Ben Folds Five	Whatever & Ever Amen
Jane	Ben Folds Five	The Unauthorized Biography Of Reinhold Messner
Fred Jones, Part 2	Ben Folds	Rockin' The Suburbs
Uncle Walter	Ben Folds Five	Ben Folds Five
Carrying Cathy	Ben Folds	Rockin' The Suburbs
Give Judy My Notice (Piano Version)	Ben Folds	Speed Graphic [EP]
Kylie From Connecticut	Ben Folds	Way To Normal
Emaline	Ben Folds Five	Naked Baby Photos

The Final Front Ear

Songs about space. I'm pleased to see two Martian volcanoes represented.

Space Walk	Lemon Jelly	Lost Horizons
Astronaut: A Short History Of Nearly Nothing	Amanda Palmer	Who Killed Amanda Palmer?
Pluto	Bjork	Homogenic
A Comet Appears	The Shins	Wincing The Night Away
Planetarium	Squarepusher	Hello Everything
Bird Dream of Olympus Mons	Pixies	Trompe le Monde
People Of The Earth	Graham Coxon	Happiness In Magazines
Waiting for the Moon to Rise	Belle & Sebastian	Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant
The Galaxist	Deerhoof	Friend Opportunity
Mozart: Symphony #41 In C, K 551, "Jupiter" - Menuetto: Allegro	Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart	The Best Of Mozart
Intergalactic	The Beastie Boys	Hello Nasty
Approaching Pavonis Mons By Balloon (Utopia Planitia)	The Flaming Lips	Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots
Black Hole	Be Your Own Pet	Get Awkward
Space Is Gonna Do Me Good	Frank Black	Teenager Of The Year
Summer Sun	Logistics	Fabriclive 25
Another Green World	Brian Eno	LateNightTales: The Flaming Lips
Best of Both Worlds	Scott Walker	Scott 2

HSK&T

A body parts playlist! It stands for Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, by the way (even though only two of those are represented).

Broken Face	Pixies	Surfer Rosa & Come On Pilgrim
Your Redneck Past	Ben Folds Five	The Unauthorized Biography Of Reinhold Messner
Hand On Your Heart	Kylie Minogue	Ultimate Kylie
Something Is Squeezing My Skull	Morrissey	Years Of Refusal
Kick Up Ya Foot	Roots Manuva	Slime and Reason
Her Eyes Are A Blue Million Miles	Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band	The Spotlight Kid / Clear Spot
Lovefingers	Silver Apples	Silver Apples
Andy's Chest	The Velvet Underground	VU
Dirt Off Your Shoulder	Jay-Z + DJ Danger Mouse	The Grey Album
The Man Whose Head Expanded	The Fall	Perverted By Language [Disc 1]
Loose Tooth Tactile	Cats In Paris	Courtcase 2000
She Lives In My Lap	Outkast	The Love Below
Talk To the Body	Magazine	Secondhand Daylight
Kissing The Lipless	The Shins	Chutes Too Narrow
The Cockfighter	Scott Walker	Tilt

The Interview

This one's a bit more tricky. Songs that are questions, followed by songs that answer those questions. It was hard work. And Spotify's limitations robbed me of the glory of:

Why Don't You Eat Carrots? - Faust
I Can See Clearly Now - Jimmy Cliff

Ah well...

What Difference Does It Make?	The Smiths	The Smiths
It Wouldn't Have Made Any Difference	Todd Rundgren	Almost Famous
Where's Summer B ?	Ben Folds Five	Ben Folds Five
Summer's Almost Gone	The Doors	Waiting For The Sun
Whither The Invisible Birds?	Deerhoof	Friend Opportunity
Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)	The Beatles	Rubber Soul
What Is This Note?	Eels	Souljacker
Note To Self	The Divine Comedy	Regeneration
Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)?	The Delfonics	Afrodisiac (Disc 1)
I Don't Know	The Beastie Boys	Hello Nasty
Have You Seen Her?	The Chi-Lites	Afrodisiac (Disc 1)
She Came In Through The Bathroom Window	The Beatles	Abbey Road
Who Is He (And What Is He To You?)	Bill Withers	Jackie Brown
He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's The Pilot	Grandaddy	The Sophtware Slump
What You Waiting For ?	Gwen Stefani	Love. Angel. Music. Baby
Something	The Willowz	Unveil
When Will Happiness Find Me Again?	Frank Black & The Catholics	Show Me Your Tears
Wait Until Dark	Scott Walker	Scott 2

Hit or Myth?

Supernatural/Mythology was the brief. This one was vague enough to create grey areas, but specific enough to exclude things. I think this one might be a bit tenuous. The lack of Dylan on Spotify lead to the inclusion of a delightful German cover version.

I Don't Believe In Miracles	The Zombies	Live At the Bloomsbury Theatre, London
That Summer, At Home I Had Become The Invisible Boy	The Twilight Sad	Fourteen Autumns & Fifteen Winters
Ghost Town	The Specials	No.1s Of The Eighties
Angel Eyes	Ella Fitzgerald	Intimate Ella
Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World	The Divine Comedy	Victory For The Comic Muse
God Is In The House	Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds	No More Shall We Part
Venus In Furs	The Velvet Underground	The Velvet Underground & Nico
Psykick Dancehall	The Fall	Dragnet
Peer Gynt: Suite No. 1, Op. 46: II. Ases's Death	Edvard Grieg	Grieg: Peer Gynt Suites, Nielsen: Aladdin
Superstition	Stevie Wonder	Song Review
The Singing Tree	Jeffrey Lewis	City & Eastern Songs
The Wizard Turns On …	The Flaming Lips	At War With The Mystics
Orion	Rodrigo Y Gabriela	Rodrigo Y Gabriela
Temporary Like Achilles	Bob Dylan	Blonde On Blonde
Aladdin: Suite: I. Oriental Festive March	Carl Nielson	Grieg: Peer Gynt Suites, Nielsen: Aladdin
Magic Works	The Weird Sisters	Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Soundtrack)
The Seventh Seal	Scott Walker	Scott 4

The Sceptred Aisle

Songs about Englishness. I wasn't sure how to go about this one. In the end I went relatively abstract. I initially wanted an Englishness playlist consisting of songs that weren't about England, didn't contain the word England, and weren't performed by English artists. I didn't quite manage it.

All the track names have some relevance to my conception of England, though the whole thing is more negative that I intended!

Real Class	Beyond The Fringe	The Complete Beyond The Fringe (Disc 2)
Missing the War	Ben Folds Five	Whatever & Ever Amen
Sunny Meadowz	Del Tha Funky Homosapien	I Wish My Brother George Was Here
London Song	The Breeders	Title TK
Her Majesty	The Beatles	Abbey Road
Silly Games	Janet Kay	No 1 Reggae Album
Great Expectations	Jurassic 5	Quality Control
Failure	Kings Of Convenience	Versus
Electioneering	Radiohead	OK Computer
The Immigrant	Nitin Sawhney	Serve Chilled 2 [Disc 1]
Kettering	The Antlers	Hospice
Something Old, Something New	The Fantastics	Afrodisiac (Disc 2)

It's Raining Today - Scott Walker - Scott 3
***

Anyway, that's it so far. I'm not sure if this has been interesting for anyone. Note: these are the iTunes versions, so there may be some slight differences. The main ones being insane Beatles covers that are always a joy.

So. That was about music.

Train Track

Hi. Remember me?

Yes, I used to write frequent posts here. Lately, they've been less frequent, and more infrequent. Not a good combination.

I've had a busy couple of weeks in terms of work and travel. By which I mean one full five-day week and one pleasant weekend by the sea. Now I know what it must be like to be a Wall Street Big Cheese Apple.

There has also been the terrible burden of beautiful weather, which has required lying in the park, drinking Pimms, and generally loafing in my pants.

Wait, that sounded wrong. I meant general lazing whilst wearing pants. Nothing untoward there.

But I'll try to increase my post count from now on. This is only my sixth post this month, and time is running out. I haven't written fewer than ten posts in a month since last August. And we all remember what happened then.

(We don't really. Nothing happened. Unless it did.)

I'm currently sitting on my sofa, with my large fan (Big Dave) cooling me, listening to Credence Clearwater Revival's version of I Heard It Through the Grapevine.

Which all sounds very pleasant. Except I don't feel very relaxed. I feel like there are lots of little worries poking me with sharpened guns. I'm not sure why.

I've felt a bit tense lately. Maybe I should try some homemade acupuncture, or grow my own Zen cardigan.

I had two days of training for a new computer system at work last week, and I think it has damaged my subconscious. I keep dreaming in a meeting format.

The main things I learned during the meetings were how to make noises that are vaguely approving yet nonspecific, and the ability to disguise my utter horror at being asked a question in the middle of a daydream.

It's more difficult than you might think, but I'm pretty good at it now. I manipulate my facial muscles into a facsimile of understanding and warmth ("Mm-hm. Yep. OK, that sounds fine."), when in reality I'm devastated ("OH GOD! OH JESUS, NO! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!")

And that's what it's like. I'm like that new prisoner at the beginning of The Shawshank Redemption, crying and explaining that I don't belong; that there's been some mistake, and I end up getting beaten to death by the wardens.

Well OK, it's not exactly like that.

I'm not complaining.

I mean, I am. But they're not genuine complaints. I'm just caught between minor inconveniences that weigh on me more than they should, and a heaven world of sunshine and luxury.

But then, self-doubt and internal battles are probably part and parcel (whatever that means) of an appealing person. People who aren't crippled by introspective angst are probably too insensitive to have a deep conversation; even though they're the people most likely to start one.

Speaking of angst, here's the delightful Jeffrey Lewis, with a song on similar themes. At least I'm not that bad.



***

I'm looking forward to the World Cup. More than is rational.

Annoyingly I'll be working, so won't be able to watch all the matches. In 2006 I took off the period of the whole tournament between temp jobs, and watched everything. It was awesome. (Except for England's terribleness, of course).

But it will still be great. I love following new countries, learning about new players, and getting embroiled in all the thousands of stories that occur simultaneously.

I will also enjoy drinking cold beer. I don't really drink (though my current Pimms phase may belie that), and don't really like any alcohol that much. But there's something glorious about a cold beer on a summer day. It's more the associations it conjures, rather than the beverage itself.

But this summer, I'll drink a frosty one (beer, not Tony the Tiger), watch football in the sun, and it will be great. Until England play, when it will become excruciating.

***

I think there are too many things going on in my brain. That might be why I can't relax (and might be why this post has been so unfocused).

I should try to concentrate on one thing at a time.

(I genuinely stopped in the middle of that sentence - after the 'th-' of 'thing' to be precise - to put my music back on. How amusing).

Hey, Graham Coxon. He's good.

Where was I?

I've just done a quick search, and the term 'Where was I?' has brought up over twenty blog posts (probably more than that, but I got bored checking).

I think that says a lot about my lack of focus. I should try to come up with a new way of expressing a desire to get back on track.

How about RUNAWAY TRAIN (because of the track connection)?

I'll try to do that. Instead of 'Where was I?', I'll just type RUNAWAY TRAIN, then get back on the horse (mixed metaphors are my bread and buttersidedownstreamwithoutapaddle).

Ooh, Roots Manuva just came on. Good track.

RUNAWAY TRAIN.

I should probably stop here. That way, if I think of anything else I can add it as a new post, increasing May's count. If I don't make it to ten posts this month, I'll feel just like I did last August.

Remember?

There's nothing to remember.

Duck Playing Monopoly

Oh dear!

I just looked at my blog and saw that disgusting title below has been been greeting people on the front page for five days. I'm terribly sorry! To make up for it, I've drawn a picture of a duck playing Monopoly (on the saxophone).

A Racist Whoopee Cushion Filled with Pus

I'm afraid my posts might be a bit sparse this month, due to various hijinks and hijinks-related shenanigans.

My head has been filled with almost nothing but politics for the past week or so, to the extent that the names and faces of politicians started to blur into meaningless blobs, and has meant David Dimbleby becoming the face of God, narrating my breakfasts and throwing over to Jeremy Paxman interviewing my subconscious.

I'm sure everyone knows what I think about the whole thing, so I won't go on about it.

But there hasn't been much room for anything else inside my brain, so I'm not sure what I have to talk about. Important things siphon off nuance. Instead of my hilarious sideways look at modern life (which my blog has been described as, by me, just now), I've spent all my mental energies thinking of ways to describe David Cameron's face.

And I don't want this blog to become dominated by the Idiot Flaps Odyssey, the entries for which I feel are a bit rushed, and should maybe be put somewhere else (such as a locked cupboard in a goldmine).

There's been too much gloom and confusion lately, so I might try to write something to leaven the mood.

Birdsong is a pleasant sound.

Soup is hearty and nutritious.

Spurious lists are a good way to fill a blog post.

That'll do.

***

Well, I've run out of things to praise, so why don't I go back on my word and tackle some politics. I'll write an amazing piece of satire! Here is a dialogue between Nick Clegg and a goblin.

Clegg: Hey.

Goblin: Y'awright?

Clegg: You know. Not bad. Can't complain!

Goblin: I hear ya.

Clegg: ...

Goblin: You watching the football tonight? Should be good. Hodgson, eh?

Clegg: Uh, don't take this the wrong way, but...

Goblin: But what?

Clegg: Do I know you?

Goblin: Well, no. I mean - we haven't met before.

Clegg: Because you look familiar.

Goblin: Could be my brother. He used to work for your dad.

Clegg: Right.

Goblin: What are you getting up to nowadays? Still in politics.

Clegg: Yes.

Goblin: Cool, cool. Anyway, I'd better be getting on.

Leprechaun: ARE YOU COMIN' OR WHAT?!

Goblin: Yeah, yeah! Keep your hat on!

The Goblin gets in the Leprechaun's car, and they drive away.

Clegg: Wait! Wait! [beginning to sob] I think my wife might be an astronaut!

***

Yep, that's the pay-off.

BYYEEE!!

Brain Glede

An Idiot Flaps Odyssey - Part 4

Another selection of words, indicating thoughts about other words.

Intro

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3


***

Peter Gilliver, Jeremy Marshall & Edmund Weiner - The Ring of Words: Tolkien and the Oxford English Dictionary


So we swing from fiction to faction, with an interesting look at Tolkien and the OED. I can finally give a shout-out to my homies in OUP (except not too loud, because it's late, and I don't want to embarrass anyone).

This book was written by some people from Lucy's office (the copy is signed by them!), which made me wary that this might be a bit too intellectual for me. Everyone on the OED seems to speak a thousand languages, and have a thousand diplomas written in ink made of hope, on an assortment of enchanted parchments (or enchartments as they're known).

I said at the outset of my bookshelf crusade that non-fiction books were optional, but I decided to give this a go. (It's not a long book - that was my main consideration.)

Luckily my fears of being out of my mental depth were allayed quickly. The book is highly readable and full of interesting stuff.

(I'm straying into Inept Book Review territory here, for which I apologise)

It looks at Tolkien's involvement in the OED, his interest in philology (being aroused by books), and the impact of these on his own writing.

I was starting from a bit of a handicap, as A) I don't know anything about philology, and B) I don't have any real interest in Tolkien.

But there was still lots of good stuff, and loads of great new words that I'm sure I'll forget immediately, such as Watling Street (used in Middle English to refer to the Milky Way), glede (a burning ember), and Beowulf possibly meaning 'foe of the bee' (ie. a bear). I think that CGI Beowulf film would have been better if he was fighting bees like Winnie the Pooh.

Other things what I did done liked:

1) Tolkien created words based on posited etymology, and an deep understanding of language, but also chose particular word because the sound of them conjured up particular feelings.

So the sound of the word 'hobbit' for example brings to mind words like rabbit which create the desired impression.

I'm interested in the sound of words, and the reasons we use particular words. As I'm also interested in comedy, I like to think about why particular words are chosen for jokes (I've written about it before).

I think there are (sometimes unconscious) impulses to choose certain words not for their meaning, but for their sound. Some words and phrases sound like a climactic flourish, a drum roll, or a single conclusive final note. Some sound purposefully sharp, and some are softer and seem to dissipate in the air. I should give examples here, but I think this idea might require a blog post of its own.

2) I also liked Tolkien viewing the creative process as acting as a conduit for pre-existing ideas, rather than them being forged by the artist. He saw writing as 'not inventing but reporting'. That must be what it's like to come up with something so perfect, you can't believe it hasn't been done before.

I think that when Paul McCartney wrote Yesterday, he was sure it was an old song, as it seemed so familiar.

You see that idea a lot with artists: existing as a funnel to channel inspiration into physical form. I like it as an idea, but I'm not sure I'd be happy with it myself. I wouldn't want to abdicate the responsibility; I'd want all the credit!

3) Tolkien says part of the reason for creating the tree-giant Ents was annoyance at Macbeth and the Witches' prophecy of shit getting serious when Great Birnam wood comes to Dunsinane hill (I'm paraphrasing).

In the end the wood does move, but only as camouflage carried on people.

I remember thinking that was a bit of a cop-out when I read Macbeth at school. I wanted real moving trees, and so did Tolkien!

So, there it is. If you're a Tolkien fan, I'd recommend checking it out.

As I said, I'm not really a huge fan. I loved the Hobbit as a child. ('Child' - is that right? 'Kid' sounds too casual, 'Lad' sounds to colloquial, 'Boy' sounds too patronising, and you wouldn't want to patronise yourself now, would you dear?)

But I found the Lord of the Rings books a bit too much to get into.

I think my problem, and this is a common (though not universal) problem with fantasy writing, is that everything seems a bit dry.

It's very sophisticated and beautiful and intricate, like a ship in a bottle; well crafted, sweeping, elegant. But most of the time I don't want to be impressed by the construction of my art, I want to be kicked in the balls.

Tolkien never punches me in the heart, and so I can never commit to him.

The weird thing is, I like massive fictional worlds. I love the Marvel Comics universe, for example. But Marvel is full of failure and dirt and brash idiots and humour and people getting thrown through windows and stuff. That's what I want.

Oh, and I want characters that seem like people, instead if cyphers for particular worldviews.

But I totally get why loads of people get so obsessed with Tolkien's writing. It's great to get completely immersed in a complex world.

In the future, that's how this blog will be seen. A grand chronology will emerge, every aspect of my language will be studied, and nerds will debate every aspect furiously.

And I might become some sort of elf: graceful, refined, wise and thoroughly beautiful.

Of course, I might not.

Politicks

In case you haven't heard, there's going to be an election on Thursday. It's one of the important ones, and will go some way to determining who governs the country.

I haven't written about it much here, but I thought I'd better do so, lest I be seen as lacking cultural relevance; the kind of anachronism who uses words like 'lest'.

And if it's good enough for Stephen Fry, it's good enough for me.

I don't think my opinions on the election will surprise anyone. I hate the thought of a Conservative government; I find the failings of Labour too great to overlook; and I find the Lib Dems appealing, if slightly irritating.

I live in the constituency of Oxford West and Abingdon. Incidentally, this is the only specific constituency mentioned by Fry in the link above:

On one front alone I would absolutely urge you to vote LibDem and that is if you live in the Oxford West and Abingdon constituency. Your incumbent member, now under threat because of boundary changes, is Evan Harris MP, far and away the most persuasive and impressive parliamentarian in the cause of good and open science and enquiry that we have had in the past decade.

He has been central to mould-breaking and inspirational multiparty cooperation in issues of scientific concern since 1997. It seems to me (almost!) that he should be elected unopposed like the Speaker. If you have any interest in the promotion of science and evidence based policy-making and a voice to oppose superstition, religious vested interest and new age nonsense, then do check him out and get those Oxonian Abingdonians working for his re-election.

I don't mean to suggest Fry is an infallible source of moral guidance, but it's pretty cool. I will be voting for Evan Harris, of course.

I'm lucky in that I live in a constituency that is a direct fight between Tories and Lib Dems. It means I get to sabotage the Conservatives, without having to vote for Labour.

If it was a Tory-Labour race, I'd be deliberating about whether to go for the lesser of two evils or the greatest of several inconsequential goods. Luckily, I get to damage the bad guy, and support the plucky underdog with the decent values.

So, I'd be voting for the Lib Dems here whatever happened. But luckily, Evan Harris seems to be a good guy (though, understandably, a little bit aggressive on Twitter). I like his pro-science stance. We've received leaflets trying to paint him as an baby-killing, animal-torturing maniac - which has only improved his standing in my (cosmetics-tested) eyes.

I'm relieved that I don't have a tricky choice to make, and I really hope that he gets in.

That's not to say that I'm totally aboard the Lib Dem bandwagon. With all the focus on Nick Clegg, I can't help feeling that I still don't know who he is. I have no more idea of what's going on beneath the surface than I do with David Cameron. It's just that his surface is much more palatable.

Of course, I understand that that's mainly in the debate environment - where polish is a requirement. (As in a polished surface, not the language of the Poles).

In fact, it's Brown that I'm suddenly warming to. He's the only one that seems like a real person, albeit a battered, punch drunk, traitorous person. His speech at the Citizens UK event seemed like a genuine person talking about what they believe in, with passion and conviction. It was almost like the politics you see in films, or old newsreels.

But it should be about policy, not passion; statistics, not snappy lines.

Or should it?

I always thought it should. I don't like the idea of people being swayed by looks and clever patter, when they should be swayed by figures. But I'm starting to think more and more that the figures are just too unknowable. The specifics of the budget, the almost impossible weighing of so many concerns, all seem like something we just can't comprehend. It's difficult to get your head around the vastness of it all.

That's not to say that we shouldn't get involved, can't get to know the nuts and bolts, and are never justified in criticising government. But people tend to think they know how to solve problems. They want taxes lowered, they want better public services. It's difficult for the average voter to understand that there are other needs than their own, and that sometimes these other needs take priority.

I'm sure that conception of 'the average voter' is patronising and pessimistic! But I think I'm trying to say that in a world of politicians who are 'all the same', and with an economy that will require cuts and caution whoever is in power, a better indicator of who to vote for might be the values they hold.

I don't know how to divide up the budget, but I'd like to put my trust in someone who seems to believe in the same things I do, and who I can trust to (attempt to) do the right thing.

That's probably quite a right-wing thing to say. (I think there's some Thatcher quote about her not wanting consensus, but to lead the way and have others follow). I suppose what I really mean is: I don't really know how the economy works (Paul Fung BA Oxon- Politics, Philosophy and Economics), so I need someone I can trust.

And it's definitely not David Cameron.

The important thing, of course, is: vote.

It is important to vote.

I say this having believed in the past that it's not worth voting. I used to think it was pointless, that participating in the system was giving it a legitimacy it didn't deserve, that it made no difference, that I was making a statement by not voting.

I think I was wrong.

(Incidentally, for one reason or another, I have never not voted in a general election - but this was probably more due to circumstances than political conviction.)

But I'd like to say that, whilst I don't agree with it, I don't completely dismiss the idea of not voting. I think that you could argue that by not voting, your making a more significant comment on the political system. This is because voter turnout is talked about a lot in election analysis, and that low turnout would be a good argument for changing the political system.

You'd be wrong to argue that, but at least it's an argument.

I think this is why I have reservations about an Australian-style compulsory vote. Although my mind is being changed about that.

There's a libertarian tick on the back of my neck saying "if you don't want to do something and it's not hurting anyone and you're not going to complain about the outcome, the government shouldn't be able to make you do it". But I hate that tick. People should pay taxes. Can't the vote be a democracy tax - a vital obligation? I don't know, but there's something I don't like about the compulsory vote.

I associate libertarian impulses not just with ticks, but with dicks. Economic libertarianism, of course ("I worked hard to make my money and want to keep it! Does that make me evil?" - No, but it makes you a dick.).

Worryingly for my lefty credentials, I also tend to find that about social libertarianism, when it comes to paranoia over surveillance, Big Brother, and general oppressive government. Of course I agree with their points. Of course I do. But there's always the same tick-like self-interest pervading those posts. I can't explain it.

So I'm a conflicted mess about two things:
- Should the vote be compulsory?
- Being annoyed by whiny nerds complaining about the evils of Facebook, ID cards, and the government stopping them stealing stuff, even though I'm on their side.

So that's just two grey areas. In all other arenas, I'm totally decided and completely infallible.

I really got off track there. Where was I? Oh yes: why you should vote.

Even though you might be able to twist your way into thinking it's noble to not vote, you're wrong. The best way to change the political system is by voting for a party interested in electoral reform. No government is going to look at a low turnout and decide to change things up.

The thing is, most non-voters aren't thinking of that anyway. They aren't focused on a subversive campaign. They just don't really care.

"They're all the same."

Well, they're all quite similar. But they're not identical. Even if it's the difference between on the one hand: a largely right-leaning Murdoch-owned government, and on the other: a largely right-leaning Murdoch-owned government that's a little bit racist - that's a choice. And it's a choice worth voting for.

The differences may be small, but surely it's worth voting even for a slight difference in attitude to tax or immigration or the BBC or the environment or whatever. You may think your vote makes no difference, and maybe it won't to you, but it will to SOMEBODY.

Not voting is just an act of adolescent faux-rebellion. An act of laziness.

(And for me to be criticising laziness, you know it must be something big).

I don't want to tell people that their vote is a privilege or a duty. I don't want to tell you that 'people died in wars' to earn you that right, because I don't think that's what makes it important.

I just want people to think about what they're doing. I want them to weigh up the consequences of voting vs not voting.

This election, which has the potential to change all subsequent elections, cannot be ignored.

Right. That's much too long. Sorry.

I don't even know who I'm trying to convince, there. I'm sure my readers are rational humans.

I suppose it's just me bellowing into the apathetic void. Which is odd, because I have a summerhouse there.

Under the Red, White and Blue

An Idiot Flaps Odyssey - Part 3

Here we go again. My brain has absorbed some ideas through an inky intermediary.

Intro

Part 1

Part 2


***


F Scott Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby



I read half of this a while ago and stopped. I can't work out why. It's readable, intriguing, and above all: short. But I should never underestimate my ability to not see things through to their conclu.

This is one of those books that have become defined as an A Level Important Book (a bit like To Kill a Mockingbird), so I'm glad I wasn't forced to read it as a student.

I wrote some of the below in Word, which seems to have screwed up the formatting here, so apologies if this is all higgledy-piggledy. Hmm. I've never had to write that before... It looks weird.

These entries seem to be more about reading than they are about the books themselves. If you want an informed analysis of these works, I’m sure there are many essays and pompous blogs at the touch of a Google search.

Whereas, I have a unique insight into what it’s been like to read these particular books. Even if it’s only about the crease factor of the spine, anatomical doodles, or which pages have been folded to mark something that’s worth coming back to (but will be immediately forgotten).

I should apologise for the constant use of Penguin editions of these books. I’d prefer to be representing my home team with some OUP editions. But these are the book cards I’ve been dealt, so there’s nothing to be done about it.

Plus, the only difference in editions is probably introductions and footnotes. And the covers – but in any event, as the old saying goes: “The worth of an Idiot Flaps tome cannot be determined even by a thorough examination of its casing.”

I try not to read the footnotes in fiction. Especially if they refer you to a ‘notes’ section at the back. I know they’re supposed to be helpful, but I always end up flicking backwards and forwards, ruining the flow of the story. And mostly, I don’t need to have a specific place name or piece of slang explained to me.

It was only last summer, when I found myself groobling¹ on the lawn.

With this edition of Gatsby though, one of the early notes ends with an exclamation mark! That seems to suggest that the editor is excited by the whole thing, and makes me want to hear what he has to say.

It’s less a dry glossary of obscure terms, and more an excitable nerd offering up interesting nuggets of information – the equivalent of me watching Back to the Future II with friends. I’ll excitedly point out the small roles for Jason Scott Lee, Elijah Wood and Billy Zane, whilst my friends get progressively annoyed at my interruptions.

Maybe I should write a set of notes for BTTF2 that they could refer to at their leisure. When George McFly appears in 2015, I can shout “Note 17!”. If they want to, they can ignore it. But if they pause the DVD and say “17”, I can say: “Of course, Crispin Glover asked for too much money to appear in the sequel, so they used a double instead – that’s why he’s upside down: to help disguise the fact.”

By which point everyone will have left (possibly punching me on the way out) and I can resume watching the film; freeze-framing and zooming in at my leisure.

Where was I? Ah yes: Gatsby! This edition was bought second-hand at Blackwell's by Lucy. It’s full of notes made by the previous reader.

I like finding things written in books. It suggests an appealing chain of ownership, and adds some kind of supra-story to the book itself.

Of course, the notes are sometimes a bit obtrusive. You don’t want important things underlined or themes discussed. It’s better to stumble into understanding a salient plot point, rather than have it underlined in blue biro (IMPORTANT). A Level students don’t have much consideration for spoilers.

But I still like it. You can ignore them generally, and it adds a warmth and personalness (yes, I imagine that IS a word) to proceedings. Even though I remember writing notes in my books, it wasn’t due to warmth, but rather a desperate grasping at good sentences to use as evidence in an essay. A good quote can get you a paragraph’s worth of bullshit. And that’s how my essay-writing worked. A slow struggle to reach the minimum word count. Obviously, as you can tell from this entry so far, brevity is only my burden when I’m forced into writing. If I start of my own volition, the word count goes out the window.

As for the book itself - I liked it. Pretty insightful, eh?

There was something that stopped me from becoming totally absorbed, however. (I was absorbed in Tender is the Night, the only other Fitzgerald work I've read). I don't know what it was. I think it might have been that every time I felt like I was getting close to a character, the narrator would pull back, not wanting to reveal too much. The narration at times felt cold, and possibly unreliable (as has been suggested by a friend of mine who shall remain shameless).

I won't talk about themes or imagery or anything like that (sorry, Alice), as I don't want to simply be copying the pencilled notes in the book. Except for the page where the word 'gay' in 'gay, exciting things' is underlined, and they've written happy underneath. That's a pretty great note.

I will say that despite interesting characters and beautiful descriptions of beautiful places, the story never really got under my skin. It might just have been my mindset - I'll reread it sometime, then reread this entry, and see if I think I'm an idiot.

Hint: I'm an idiot.


***

I'm not quite sure what these Idiot Flaps Odyssey posts are supposed to be. Maybe some people will skip over them. If you haven't read the books, they're probably boring. At the same time, I don't go into much detail about them, and never take the chance to show off my critical theory chops. If anyone wants to engage me in conversation about the underlying message of the book as an analogue of the American Dream's futility, or as playing with narrative form, or as apocalyptic Freudian meta-psycho-fable, I'm happy to give it a go.

If you find these boring, pretentious and at the same time half-arsed: you are correct.

Never mind. The only real reason for writing these is to spur me on to keep reading. Anything else is a bonus!

---------------------

¹ groobling (v) – 1980s Hampshire slang: to grooble = to conduct a court-martial for ants